( He got out of the hospital bed for the sole purpose of killing somebody, and navigating the nuanced complexities of relationships period disorients him more than anything brain damage could ever do to him. )
I don't know.
( Frustrated, taking Hani's hand at his face - not forceful, but some kind of grip, like searching for a buoy - turning toward them, one leg pulling up on the couch, folded under him. )
I don't know. I just look at him and you and I understand what he means when he says you're just right for him. You're always in concert, even when you're out of tune.
( He squeezes Hani's hand, like he's trying to convey - something. )
... In every universe the two of you met but hadn't met me, you wouldn't have been lacking.
[ this is the only way hani knows, to dig so deeply it’s painful and uncomfortable and near unwanted. ]
No. I don’t want that. This is not one of those universes - you don’t see. We wouldn’t be lacking, but we would still be less without you.
[ they squeeze back, small tremors brought out by the heady upset feeling in their stomach. it builds fast, piling and piling until the bubbles threaten to snap and overflow. ]
And I just look at you and I understand how you must feel about him. You don’t see the faces you make for him, only for him. But you must have noticed, you’re so brilliant, you must, you must. You must have noticed how he looks at you, how I - we look at you.
[ they rush over that last bit, stumbling fiercely over the next couple of words. ]
( They're trembling. He doesn't expect it, doesn't see in his mind's eye Hani as a person who does. They're always so brilliantly vivid, full of certainty about the way of things - as good as Tylor at shifting him, and teaching him things he hadn't known.
Brittle - brittle, like a shaking leaf, is maybe what it is.
He pulls his hand from theirs but only to take their face in both of his a little rougher, clumsily, than he means anything by, stealing their gesture from earlier but here it's like to keep them steady, keep them firm. )
Why don't you?
( It's not accusatory. It's not even a sidestep, this time. He thinks this answer is just as important as his own, if not more. )
bubbles bursting into snippets of truth and vulnerability. heat scorching their lungs, burning up their throat inch by painful inch, and settling behind their eyes. wet. ]
We could both take him. But I won’t stop with just him. I would sweep you both up in my storm and you don’t want that.
[ they cover his hands, the ones trying to steady them. grateful, but frustrated. feeling even more weighed down by his clumsy attempt, their affection heavy, their love heavier. and nothing hungers like the monster inside them. ]
( He studies them, the vulnerable peering out where Hani pulls at the seams. This had all been about Mithrun and Tylor - but like on that very first picnic, Mithrun can't help but pull in Hani, too, even if his fingers dig in where they're not welcome. )
... Eat me.
( He fixes their gaze and the wet threatened behind it with his own. )
[ hani’s answer is to lean in and kiss the corner of mithrun’s pursed lips. butterfly touch, followed by a wet, wicked tongue to draw in his bottom lip, still off-center. this spot here, so when he talks or smiles or frowns, the sting will remind him of hani. they bite down sharply, drawing blood. ]
See? [ whispered against his skin with a shaking breath, then pulling back in a stained parting. rogue smeared like a garnish. ] Tell me to stop.
[ monster. they would burrow into justy, into mithrun. join the two halves together and make one whole space just for themself. ]
( Ah. The sudden pain, unexpected, draws a sharp cut of a breath from his lips - voiceless. He runs his tongue along the taste of iron, as if to know the taste Hani gave him. )
... I won't.
( His palms slip from Hani's face just a little lower, pressing along their jaw, the beginnings of their neck; his fingers press in against the flesh, the nails light. )
( His palms - no, just one palm - follows the curve along his neck, sliding down along their shoulder, pushing the shirt collar wide - wider. )
... Are you afraid of storms?
( Your storm. The other hand, the one still somewhere between neck and jaw, seems to almost cradle the head into it, his fingers tangling into Hani's shorter hair along the back. His lips, reddish and a little wet, trace along the corner of Hani's lips, his jaw; then downward, still. Not kisses, but sensation of a path.
Hani's neck, spread clear - head so subtly held away, shoulder so gently pressed down - looks as lovely as they like to say other people are. He wonders if they think so, about themself. It's here he rests his lips, gently pushing Hani back with his slight weight, where the neck meets shoulder, in that tender curve, and he bites - fiercely - enough to leave a mark; maybe a little bit to bleed, if he must.
And in the centre of the ache, the radiating heat, he finally presses his lips down - and runs his tongue along the deep ridges left by his teeth, as if a sort of ritual that comes with a meal. )
[ if so, that would explain hani’s complicated feelings for mithrun. slow at first, not a whisper of warning in the air. then the sudden, sweeping way it happened taking everything all at once.
hani breathes in sharply when they feel the bite. the final hitched note of a whimper escapes them with the feel his tongue. unable to help themself, needing some sort of anchor, their hands crawl up the small of his back, bunching up his shirt to touch scarred skin. ]
I feel the most like one when I’m with you and him. I could drown the world and it would be alright if I could just keep the two of you.
[ not safe. just keep the two of them trapped in hani’s storm as the wind of their wants whip water and tears and more around, stealing the breath from their lungs and filling it with the otherness they feel. ]
( Is he a storm? His teeth graze along the warmth left by the kiss, along the sting left by the bite. He feels something less than human, something more than nothing - a thing that knows it exists, with an instinct of violence that carries it through, but an inability to comprehend why. He finds he doesn't mind the sound of Hani's choked whimper so much, nor their suggestion of smothering. Is that the violence in him, too? )
... But you don't.
( His breath is warm along the tendered skin as he mouths in against where the neck meets the jaw, where the skin is thin and delicate. An implication that he might bite into them again - but he doesn't. Not yet. Until then, there's anticipation, and his fingers curling into Hani's hair, nails light against their scalp. )
Do you know Tylor loves you?
( Held splayed like this, neck exposed, at his metaphorical mercy - his argument. He meant it, when he'd asked, if nothing else. )
[ for you to be in love with me, just a little, like I am with you.
hani wants his teeth again. it would be so lovely, they think, if the bites healed wrong and left the impression of teeth and desire on their skin forever. would it act as a balm to everything confusing, conflicting tangled within them? no, probably not. but it would help in some way. they love him, so it would help. love helps.
then mithrun say justy’s name and hani lets out a wet noise that could be a sob or a laugh. ]
I know. I know. [ of course, they know. they love him so much. that’s why they’re here. here to - ] He loves you, too. We love you, too.
[ neck still exposed and if mithrun were to hold a blade to it, hani would accept all the same for the crime of wanting three to become one. ]
Let’s talk to him - right now. Don’t let him leave himself behind.
( If you know, then...? Mithrun can't explain why something seems like its been set down wrong - it's on the shelf, it's where it ought to be, but it's a book in a row with the others but someone set it with its pages facing the aisle instead of its spine. Something about Hani and Tylor. Something that's hard for him to find a name for.
But Hani doesn't want to linger on themself. Mithrun had suspected they came here for this purpose and they confirm as much now, even though Mithrun had wanted to linger on the thing they said just before - I'm waiting for you to want it - because it's not a sentiment he'd ever thought of before.
But Hani is here for this. And Mithrun can't say he wants them any more than he can say he wants Tylor - though, apparently, this metric he uses is wrong. His mouth lingers there before, finally, he pulls away, righting himself. His fingers slip from Hani's hair and their shoulder, and all that's left is the bruise forming on their skin. )
... Fine.
( It's not a happy concession, but it is agreement - Tylor would. Frustrating as it is. )
[ a flicker of protest when he pulls away, mouth stopping short of forming the actual words. they click shut, lips pressed together, and eyes closed, until whatever liquid emotion remains dissipates. and all that’s left is the bruise.
at least there’s that.
they offer mithrun a smile that's a little sorry, a little unfair. ]
Okay.
[ hani nods at mithrun, putting away all the wistful little parts of themself. neat little stacks, tucked away, for another rainy day of emotional overflow.
finally, they wake justy up with a text thats a little too brazen in their affection to be solely japanese. a product from another walk of life. ]
おはよう、僕の愛しい人。いまskypeしてもいいのかい
[ then they press the call button whether he answers the text or not. ]
[ He doesn't respond to the text in time, but Tylor would have understood. Their communications flip and shift between languages fluidly. And even if he hadn't understood, he would've accepted the affection. He'll smile when he reads it later.
The phone rings.
And rings.
Until a groggy voice, innocent with sleep and unhurried pipes up from the other end-- ]
( Though he agreed, he kind of locks up when he actually hears Tylor for the first time in a minute. At some point between Hani texting and Tylor answering, Mithrun had pulled his legs up, heels along the edge of the couch, arms loosely around his legs.
He doesn't say anything. He doesn't know what to say besides, "Okay, you can talk to me, stop being sad." But he doesn't think he's meant to say that right now. It's awkward and uncomfortable, and he doesn't like feeling like this.
He looks away, making it probably clear to Hani he doesn't have words on him right now. )
[ as justy wakes up, hani shifts over to lean against mithrun, not too much weight though they are a sliver of a person anyway. they rest their head on his shoulder, dandelion fluff brushing his neck and chin. barely a notch above silent, they whisper: ]
It's okay. We love you as you are. You don't need to know the words. I don't know either.
[ absentmindedly, they say to justy: ]
Remember to hold the phone away from your face, so you can see us, Justy-kun. Good morning.
[ their phone is held in a loose grip, angling the camera enough to catch most of hani and some of mithrun. ]
[ Tylor is yawning as the video clicks on, his eyes closed, as he moves the camera an appropriate distance away. He is wearing his usual loose tank top, crumpled by his bed like the wild way the pillow styled his hair for the day. ]
Good morning~ did you want to--
[ When his eyes open, he pauses with a blink on Morgan.
Different, but the same. Beautiful. His heart swells the same as it does in game. And for a moment he forgets he isn't there with them in person. He won't dwell on the dull ache of it.
But Morgan doesn't want to talk to him. Even now it's the vibe he's picking up from another time zone. So his gaze slides to Hani with a question in his slight frown. He almost asks in Japanese, but that would be rude.
He sounds cheery enough when his smile returns-- ]
Oh, hi Morgan! Wow, I can't believe we're all on our first three way call together. I didn't even dress up.
[ back to back jokes, because hes better at that than being serious ]
( Tylor didn't look so different in game or out, huh - didn't sound so different, either, and acted the same. He was always like that, even when he was hurting— even when Mithrun was hurting him.
But the voice body had been all wrong. Remembering it just makes him feel all twisted up all over again.
Mithrun's lips part. There's a lot of ways he could start here. There's a lot of things he should probably say - and they contend with his impulse to stay silent, an ultimate lack of desire to fix anything damaged or broken.
So what he says when he speaks muttering and low is just an expression of that uncomfortable twisting in his stomach, in his chest: )
... I killed Fandaniel.
( His gaze not on Tylor or Hani. He just looks vaguely down and ahead at a seaside window, and he endless ocean waves )
[ It clearly takes Tylor a beat too, staring more at Morgan's actions than the sentence itself.
Because while he might have looked like Fandaniel, he had never felt like him. In the video, he is still until he very suddenly isn't-- ]
Ah! [ Tylor sits up suddenly, tank top straps askew. But that sound of realization quickly becomes a sound of falling off his bed tangled in blankets as the video feed spins-- ] uwahh! ow.
[ enjoy the view of his ceiling until Tylor rights himself and is leaning over his phone.
As if Morgan isn't aware that it was him, Tylor sounds genuine-- ] I sure am sorry, Morgan.
But that wasn't really Fanny. It was me the whole time. But don't feel too bad! You're so strong now, I bet you'll beat him for real next time.
[ putting together the pieces from mithrun’s words and justy’s apology x2… hani strokes mithrun’s back as they keep their eyes on justy.
”... I was the one who did the hurting. I can't be hurt. But he doesn't see himself as hurt. And... He doesn't know how to be upset with me.”
ah.
well, they’ll just say it. ]
That’s wrong, Justy-kun. [ mild and patient. ] Will you take some of those words back? I know you mean them, but keep them for another time.
[ that… works, right? mmm… what else. ]
And no more apologies from you tonight. If you want to apologize, you’ll have to say something else instead, like, “I love you,” or “dogs are cute.” What seems like a small mistake might cut deeper than we think, you know, and apologies may chafe the wound.
[ that explanation is good enough, hani decides. to mithrun, they murmur: ]
He doesn’t know how to be upset with you, but you were actually upset with yourself, weren’t you? …Are you still?
( It's good that Hani cuts in when they do, because as Tylor speaks his frown goes tight, frustrated in some way he can't articulate - not that opening with conversation about killing Fandaniel was especially transparent, either.
Hani, though, puts some pause to his thoughts, and his frown grows - though not severe in the way it might've been.
Quiet but still audible to Tylor: )
... He looked like he was hurting, when I killed him.
( And he doesn't know why he remembers or cares so much. But Tylor acting like it's nothing - even in that final moment - frustrates him. He wants to hit Tylor for not hitting him.
So, yeah, he's still upset with himself. And he doesn't know himself well enough to comprehend why he doesn't regard the incident with his usual callous indifference. )
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2023-09-02 11:33 am (UTC)I don't know.
( Frustrated, taking Hani's hand at his face - not forceful, but some kind of grip, like searching for a buoy - turning toward them, one leg pulling up on the couch, folded under him. )
I don't know. I just look at him and you and I understand what he means when he says you're just right for him. You're always in concert, even when you're out of tune.
( He squeezes Hani's hand, like he's trying to convey - something. )
... In every universe the two of you met but hadn't met me, you wouldn't have been lacking.
no subject
Date: 2023-09-02 02:00 pm (UTC)No. I don’t want that. This is not one of those universes - you don’t see. We wouldn’t be lacking, but we would still be less without you.
[ they squeeze back, small tremors brought out by the heady upset feeling in their stomach. it builds fast, piling and piling until the bubbles threaten to snap and overflow. ]
And I just look at you and I understand how you must feel about him. You don’t see the faces you make for him, only for him. But you must have noticed, you’re so brilliant, you must, you must. You must have noticed how he looks at you, how I - we look at you.
[ they rush over that last bit, stumbling fiercely over the next couple of words. ]
Take him, you can.
no subject
Date: 2023-09-02 06:14 pm (UTC)Brittle - brittle, like a shaking leaf, is maybe what it is.
He pulls his hand from theirs but only to take their face in both of his a little rougher, clumsily, than he means anything by, stealing their gesture from earlier but here it's like to keep them steady, keep them firm. )
Why don't you?
( It's not accusatory. It's not even a sidestep, this time. He thinks this answer is just as important as his own, if not more. )
no subject
Date: 2023-09-02 06:50 pm (UTC)bubbles bursting into snippets of truth and vulnerability. heat scorching their lungs, burning up their throat inch by painful inch, and settling behind their eyes. wet. ]
We could both take him. But I won’t stop with just him. I would sweep you both up in my storm and you don’t want that.
[ they cover his hands, the ones trying to steady them. grateful, but frustrated. feeling even more weighed down by his clumsy attempt, their affection heavy, their love heavier. and nothing hungers like the monster inside them. ]
no subject
Date: 2023-09-02 06:56 pm (UTC)... Eat me.
( He fixes their gaze and the wet threatened behind it with his own. )
Can you?
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Date: 2023-09-02 07:19 pm (UTC)See? [ whispered against his skin with a shaking breath, then pulling back in a stained parting. rogue smeared like a garnish. ] Tell me to stop.
[ monster. they would burrow into justy, into mithrun. join the two halves together and make one whole space just for themself. ]
no subject
Date: 2023-09-02 07:34 pm (UTC)... I won't.
( His palms slip from Hani's face just a little lower, pressing along their jaw, the beginnings of their neck; his fingers press in against the flesh, the nails light. )
I like you this way.
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Date: 2023-09-02 07:56 pm (UTC)… Enough to eat me, too? Eat me, if you want.
[ they sit pliant for him, through the tremors, through the overflow. ]
no subject
Date: 2023-09-02 08:24 pm (UTC)... Are you afraid of storms?
( Your storm. The other hand, the one still somewhere between neck and jaw, seems to almost cradle the head into it, his fingers tangling into Hani's shorter hair along the back. His lips, reddish and a little wet, trace along the corner of Hani's lips, his jaw; then downward, still. Not kisses, but sensation of a path.
Hani's neck, spread clear - head so subtly held away, shoulder so gently pressed down - looks as lovely as they like to say other people are. He wonders if they think so, about themself. It's here he rests his lips, gently pushing Hani back with his slight weight, where the neck meets shoulder, in that tender curve, and he bites - fiercely - enough to leave a mark; maybe a little bit to bleed, if he must.
And in the centre of the ache, the radiating heat, he finally presses his lips down - and runs his tongue along the deep ridges left by his teeth, as if a sort of ritual that comes with a meal. )
no subject
Date: 2023-09-02 09:08 pm (UTC)[ if so, that would explain hani’s complicated feelings for mithrun. slow at first, not a whisper of warning in the air. then the sudden, sweeping way it happened taking everything all at once.
hani breathes in sharply when they feel the bite. the final hitched note of a whimper escapes them with the feel his tongue. unable to help themself, needing some sort of anchor, their hands crawl up the small of his back, bunching up his shirt to touch scarred skin. ]
I feel the most like one when I’m with you and him. I could drown the world and it would be alright if I could just keep the two of you.
[ not safe. just keep the two of them trapped in hani’s storm as the wind of their wants whip water and tears and more around, stealing the breath from their lungs and filling it with the otherness they feel. ]
no subject
Date: 2023-09-03 08:02 am (UTC)... But you don't.
( His breath is warm along the tendered skin as he mouths in against where the neck meets the jaw, where the skin is thin and delicate. An implication that he might bite into them again - but he doesn't. Not yet. Until then, there's anticipation, and his fingers curling into Hani's hair, nails light against their scalp. )
Do you know Tylor loves you?
( Held splayed like this, neck exposed, at his metaphorical mercy - his argument. He meant it, when he'd asked, if nothing else. )
no subject
Date: 2023-09-03 01:28 pm (UTC)[ for you to be in love with me, just a little, like I am with you.
hani wants his teeth again. it would be so lovely, they think, if the bites healed wrong and left the impression of teeth and desire on their skin forever. would it act as a balm to everything confusing, conflicting tangled within them? no, probably not. but it would help in some way. they love him, so it would help. love helps.
then mithrun say justy’s name and hani lets out a wet noise that could be a sob or a laugh. ]
I know. I know. [ of course, they know. they love him so much. that’s why they’re here. here to - ] He loves you, too. We love you, too.
[ neck still exposed and if mithrun were to hold a blade to it, hani would accept all the same for the crime of wanting three to become one. ]
Let’s talk to him - right now. Don’t let him leave himself behind.
[ again. ]
You know he would.
no subject
Date: 2023-09-03 06:55 pm (UTC)But Hani doesn't want to linger on themself. Mithrun had suspected they came here for this purpose and they confirm as much now, even though Mithrun had wanted to linger on the thing they said just before - I'm waiting for you to want it - because it's not a sentiment he'd ever thought of before.
But Hani is here for this. And Mithrun can't say he wants them any more than he can say he wants Tylor - though, apparently, this metric he uses is wrong. His mouth lingers there before, finally, he pulls away, righting himself. His fingers slip from Hani's hair and their shoulder, and all that's left is the bruise forming on their skin. )
... Fine.
( It's not a happy concession, but it is agreement - Tylor would. Frustrating as it is. )
no subject
Date: 2023-09-03 07:39 pm (UTC)at least there’s that.
they offer mithrun a smile that's a little sorry, a little unfair. ]
Okay.
[ hani nods at mithrun, putting away all the wistful little parts of themself. neat little stacks, tucked away, for another rainy day of emotional overflow.
finally, they wake justy up with a text thats a little too brazen in their affection to be solely japanese. a product from another walk of life. ]
おはよう、僕の愛しい人。いまskypeしてもいいのかい
[ then they press the call button whether he answers the text or not. ]
no subject
Date: 2023-09-03 08:04 pm (UTC)The phone rings.
And rings.
Until a groggy voice, innocent with sleep and unhurried pipes up from the other end-- ]
Mmm... もしもし
no subject
Date: 2023-09-03 08:34 pm (UTC)He doesn't say anything. He doesn't know what to say besides, "Okay, you can talk to me, stop being sad." But he doesn't think he's meant to say that right now. It's awkward and uncomfortable, and he doesn't like feeling like this.
He looks away, making it probably clear to Hani he doesn't have words on him right now. )
no subject
Date: 2023-09-03 08:51 pm (UTC)It's okay. We love you as you are. You don't need to know the words. I don't know either.
[ absentmindedly, they say to justy: ]
Remember to hold the phone away from your face, so you can see us, Justy-kun. Good morning.
[ their phone is held in a loose grip, angling the camera enough to catch most of hani and some of mithrun. ]
no subject
Date: 2023-09-03 09:10 pm (UTC)Good morning~ did you want to--
[ When his eyes open, he pauses with a blink on Morgan.
Different, but the same. Beautiful. His heart swells the same as it does in game. And for a moment he forgets he isn't there with them in person. He won't dwell on the dull ache of it.
But Morgan doesn't want to talk to him. Even now it's the vibe he's picking up from another time zone. So his gaze slides to Hani with a question in his slight frown. He almost asks in Japanese, but that would be rude.
He sounds cheery enough when his smile returns-- ]
Oh, hi Morgan! Wow, I can't believe we're all on our first three way call together. I didn't even dress up.
[ back to back jokes, because hes better at that than being serious ]
no subject
Date: 2023-09-03 09:45 pm (UTC)But the voice body had been all wrong. Remembering it just makes him feel all twisted up all over again.
Mithrun's lips part. There's a lot of ways he could start here. There's a lot of things he should probably say - and they contend with his impulse to stay silent, an ultimate lack of desire to fix anything damaged or broken.
So what he says when he speaks muttering and low is just an expression of that uncomfortable twisting in his stomach, in his chest: )
... I killed Fandaniel.
( His gaze not on Tylor or Hani. He just looks vaguely down and ahead at a seaside window, and he endless ocean waves )
no subject
Date: 2023-09-03 09:57 pm (UTC)their slant a questioning look at justy. if hani doesn’t know, then justy must know. ]
no subject
Date: 2023-09-03 10:16 pm (UTC)Because while he might have looked like Fandaniel, he had never felt like him. In the video, he is still until he very suddenly isn't-- ]
Ah! [ Tylor sits up suddenly, tank top straps askew. But that sound of realization quickly becomes a sound of falling off his bed tangled in blankets as the video feed spins-- ] uwahh! ow.
[ enjoy the view of his ceiling until Tylor rights himself and is leaning over his phone.
As if Morgan isn't aware that it was him, Tylor sounds genuine-- ] I sure am sorry, Morgan.
But that wasn't really Fanny. It was me the whole time. But don't feel too bad! You're so strong now, I bet you'll beat him for real next time.
no subject
Date: 2023-09-03 10:23 pm (UTC)I know that was you, the first time.
( He should clarify that he learned that as Tylor died, but he feels that's obvious. )
I hunted down the real one later.
no subject
Date: 2023-09-03 10:43 pm (UTC)[ But that doesn't help any. He thought he'd figured it out, but Tylor slumps almost out of frame. Just his big eyes and wild hair-- ]
And yeah, of course you knew it. You're way too smart not to have figured that out.
[ A pause, where his only braincell is grasping. He just woke up and his mind feels like it's already being taken on a confusing ride.
This might be a dream. After an uncertain glance to Hani, he looks away too-- ]
Well, I'm sorry anyway. [ Eyes back on Morgan, remorseful-- ] For whatever I did to upset you.
no subject
Date: 2023-09-03 11:07 pm (UTC)”... I was the one who did the hurting. I can't be hurt. But he doesn't see himself as hurt. And... He doesn't know how to be upset with me.”
ah.
well, they’ll just say it. ]
That’s wrong, Justy-kun. [ mild and patient. ] Will you take some of those words back? I know you mean them, but keep them for another time.
[ that… works, right? mmm… what else. ]
And no more apologies from you tonight. If you want to apologize, you’ll have to say something else instead, like, “I love you,” or “dogs are cute.” What seems like a small mistake might cut deeper than we think, you know, and apologies may chafe the wound.
[ that explanation is good enough, hani decides. to mithrun, they murmur: ]
He doesn’t know how to be upset with you, but you were actually upset with yourself, weren’t you? …Are you still?
no subject
Date: 2023-09-03 11:23 pm (UTC)Hani, though, puts some pause to his thoughts, and his frown grows - though not severe in the way it might've been.
Quiet but still audible to Tylor: )
... He looked like he was hurting, when I killed him.
( And he doesn't know why he remembers or cares so much. But Tylor acting like it's nothing - even in that final moment - frustrates him. He wants to hit Tylor for not hitting him.
So, yeah, he's still upset with himself. And he doesn't know himself well enough to comprehend why he doesn't regard the incident with his usual callous indifference. )
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