[ a flicker of protest when he pulls away, mouth stopping short of forming the actual words. they click shut, lips pressed together, and eyes closed, until whatever liquid emotion remains dissipates. and all thatโs left is the bruise.
at least thereโs that.
they offer mithrun a smile that's a little sorry, a little unfair. ]
Okay.
[ hani nods at mithrun, putting away all the wistful little parts of themself. neat little stacks, tucked away, for another rainy day of emotional overflow.
finally, they wake justy up with a text thats a little too brazen in their affection to be solely japanese. a product from another walk of life. ]
[ He doesn't respond to the text in time, but Tylor would have understood. Their communications flip and shift between languages fluidly. And even if he hadn't understood, he would've accepted the affection. He'll smile when he reads it later.
The phone rings.
And rings.
Until a groggy voice, innocent with sleep and unhurried pipes up from the other end-- ]
( Though he agreed, he kind of locks up when he actually hears Tylor for the first time in a minute. At some point between Hani texting and Tylor answering, Mithrun had pulled his legs up, heels along the edge of the couch, arms loosely around his legs.
He doesn't say anything. He doesn't know what to say besides, "Okay, you can talk to me, stop being sad." But he doesn't think he's meant to say that right now. It's awkward and uncomfortable, and he doesn't like feeling like this.
He looks away, making it probably clear to Hani he doesn't have words on him right now. )
[ as justy wakes up, hani shifts over to lean against mithrun, not too much weight though they are a sliver of a person anyway. they rest their head on his shoulder, dandelion fluff brushing his neck and chin. barely a notch above silent, they whisper: ]
It's okay. We love you as you are. You don't need to know the words. I don't know either.
[ absentmindedly, they say to justy: ]
Remember to hold the phone away from your face, so you can see us, Justy-kun. Good morning.
[ their phone is held in a loose grip, angling the camera enough to catch most of hani and some of mithrun. ]
[ Tylor is yawning as the video clicks on, his eyes closed, as he moves the camera an appropriate distance away. He is wearing his usual loose tank top, crumpled by his bed like the wild way the pillow styled his hair for the day. ]
Good morning~ did you want to--
[ When his eyes open, he pauses with a blink on Morgan.
Different, but the same. Beautiful. His heart swells the same as it does in game. And for a moment he forgets he isn't there with them in person. He won't dwell on the dull ache of it.
But Morgan doesn't want to talk to him. Even now it's the vibe he's picking up from another time zone. So his gaze slides to Hani with a question in his slight frown. He almost asks in Japanese, but that would be rude.
He sounds cheery enough when his smile returns-- ]
Oh, hi Morgan! Wow, I can't believe we're all on our first three way call together. I didn't even dress up.
[ back to back jokes, because hes better at that than being serious ]
( Tylor didn't look so different in game or out, huh - didn't sound so different, either, and acted the same. He was always like that, even when he was hurting— even when Mithrun was hurting him.
But the voice body had been all wrong. Remembering it just makes him feel all twisted up all over again.
Mithrun's lips part. There's a lot of ways he could start here. There's a lot of things he should probably say - and they contend with his impulse to stay silent, an ultimate lack of desire to fix anything damaged or broken.
So what he says when he speaks muttering and low is just an expression of that uncomfortable twisting in his stomach, in his chest: )
... I killed Fandaniel.
( His gaze not on Tylor or Hani. He just looks vaguely down and ahead at a seaside window, and he endless ocean waves )
[ It clearly takes Tylor a beat too, staring more at Morgan's actions than the sentence itself.
Because while he might have looked like Fandaniel, he had never felt like him. In the video, he is still until he very suddenly isn't-- ]
Ah! [ Tylor sits up suddenly, tank top straps askew. But that sound of realization quickly becomes a sound of falling off his bed tangled in blankets as the video feed spins-- ] uwahh! ow.
[ enjoy the view of his ceiling until Tylor rights himself and is leaning over his phone.
As if Morgan isn't aware that it was him, Tylor sounds genuine-- ] I sure am sorry, Morgan.
But that wasn't really Fanny. It was me the whole time. But don't feel too bad! You're so strong now, I bet you'll beat him for real next time.
[ putting together the pieces from mithrunโs words and justyโs apology x2โฆ hani strokes mithrunโs back as they keep their eyes on justy.
โ... I was the one who did the hurting. I can't be hurt. But he doesn't see himself as hurt. And... He doesn't know how to be upset with me.โ
ah.
well, theyโll just say it. ]
Thatโs wrong, Justy-kun. [ mild and patient. ] Will you take some of those words back? I know you mean them, but keep them for another time.
[ thatโฆ works, right? mmmโฆ what else. ]
And no more apologies from you tonight. If you want to apologize, youโll have to say something else instead, like, โI love you,โ or โdogs are cute.โ What seems like a small mistake might cut deeper than we think, you know, and apologies may chafe the wound.
[ that explanation is good enough, hani decides. to mithrun, they murmur: ]
He doesnโt know how to be upset with you, but you were actually upset with yourself, werenโt you? โฆAre you still?
( It's good that Hani cuts in when they do, because as Tylor speaks his frown goes tight, frustrated in some way he can't articulate - not that opening with conversation about killing Fandaniel was especially transparent, either.
Hani, though, puts some pause to his thoughts, and his frown grows - though not severe in the way it might've been.
Quiet but still audible to Tylor: )
... He looked like he was hurting, when I killed him.
( And he doesn't know why he remembers or cares so much. But Tylor acting like it's nothing - even in that final moment - frustrates him. He wants to hit Tylor for not hitting him.
So, yeah, he's still upset with himself. And he doesn't know himself well enough to comprehend why he doesn't regard the incident with his usual callous indifference. )
[ Tylor agrees easily enough in his own confusion. He watches the exchange, picking up on their body language and the words he manages to catch. ]
No, don't worry, it wasn't that b-- [ For once, he catches him in the middle of being cheerily dismissive, cutting himself off after a glance to Hani. To Morgan.
Visible now that he's shuffled the camera down, he frowns and tries to reorganize. Morgan is upset and he's only making it worse. But why would reassuring him that he's fine be the wrong thing? It feels like the wrong thing.
Tylor doesn't piece together the road map, from Hani breaking him and lovingly putting him together again to now. But it makes the gravel in his throat easier to swallow, the water easier to tread. ]
It... did hurt. [ A frown, as he shifts a little.
Morgan's never heard him like this, vulnerable-- ] Actually, it hurt a lot. I felt like I was really dying. And all I wanted to do was hold you and see your face.
[ furrowed brows reflect their concern when he mentions the hurt, even as their lips pull into a helpless smile. for the love of them both, he tries and he learns, and it only makes hani love him more. ]
Because you know he didnโt mean to, that he might not have known it was you in Masterโs body. [ slowly, working through justyโs thought process and adding their little flourishes on things: ] Itโs not that the pain didnโt matter at all, but Morgan-kun was more important to you at the time. And to Mithrun-kun, your pain was more important because he had accidentally caused it. And he didnโt mean to or want to.
[ hani thinks thereโs more to it, but thatโs something for mithrun to work out on his own. or add to, if he wants. ]
And just as we donโt dismiss the fact that Mithrun-kun, Morgan-kun is importantโฆ it wouldnโt be fair to us if you were dismissive about your pain, Justy-kun. So try not to, or Iโll make you cry.
( With how Tylor had been, Mithrun didn't think Tylor would get, exactly, what the issue was - not well enough to admit he was hurt, and not out of malice. He seemed someone so used to smoothing seems over it was a reflex by now.
So he's surprised when Tylor seems to pause and reassess, open up into a more tender version of himself, a sort of expression on him Mithrun isn't sure he's seen before. Was this Hani's touch, or was this something he had missed in the few days he wasn't there?
It was something to wonder, later. But right now, Hani slips an arm around his waist as they mediate - a mediation he doesn't comment on, because there's answers here he doesn't have himself - and Tylor seems like he has something else to say. At least, it seems that way to Mithrun. )
[ Tylor nods along to Hani's words, his gaze drifting over the room. Or what he can see of it from the video. It's hard for most to tell he's even paying attention. But they both probably know that he is. This part is hard, though, the more raw feelings buzzing to a restless energy that he wishes he was there in person to dispell.
So instead, his gaze wanders and he draws up his knees to hold and rest his head on now that he's back up on his bed. It's easy to tell how small his places is, just from the amount of things crammed into it. Laundry, empty sake bottles, cups, and a poster of a pretty lady on a beach hung up on the wall behind him when Tylor settles in again.
When Hani hugs Morgan, Tylor squeezes his legs subtly. His smile is smooshed, but he agrees anyway. ]
Okay, you're right.
[ But he blinks at Morgan's question, shifting and dropping his gaze again.
It's painful to admit. Enough that it's probably easy to almost hear the dismissive responses when he opens his mouth and shuts it a few times. It wasn't that bad.
I'm fine now.
You don't have to like me, I don't mind.
It's alright if you want to leave.
Until eventually, I missed you makes his gut flip. ]
... I want you to live your life the way you want. Whatever makes you happy.
[ The first part comes easy. But the last sounds ss if this is the most difficult thing in the world to force out of his suddenly dry mouth-- ] But not knowing whether you liked me or not anymore, that was worse than dying.
[ A blink, trying to move on-- ] Oh. I'm so-- Uh, I mean. Dogs are cute, but I really am okay though. I promise! Man, I'm really glad we've cleared all of this up!
( Maybe it's just the little screen and the way Tylor boxes up into himself in his crowded room, but Tylor feels small. It's strange looking at him this way, when normally Mithrun's got to look up to eye him. At some point his own legs have slanted down onto the couch, Hani's arm around him, the moments ticking impatient by as Tylor winds his way through his sentiment. He feels - tender is the word for it; tender like a peach, soft and bruised. Still good enough to eat, but darker when you press your thumb up against the skin.
He almost misses it, when Tylor admits the bit worming through his heart, quieter and quicker than Mithrun thinks it ought to be. He doesn't know why - Tylor would think that. Mithrun's not someone who's particularly adept at handling anxiety. But he said it to Hani once, he thinks - the more you love someone, the more you worry. Stupid as it is, baseless as it is.
Maybe Tylor's heart is just too big, and that's why Mithrun can't really grasp it. The rest of Tylor isn't so big as he'd thought.
Unreassuringly, Mithrun's expression remains a frown, which only seems to grow as Tylor stumbles to a clumsy finish to tie things off with a bow. Not the greatest expression to give someone afraid you stopped caring for them.
He pushes from the couch suddenly, taking to his feet. )
Log on. I only need a minute.
( He glances at Hani in acknowledgment that they won't be involved in this, but there's nothing much for it with the restriction of headsets. At least he's sincere that he only needs a minute. )
[ Tylor isn't bothered by the frown. He knows the lines of them, the one he makes in battle or when he's deciding if the taste, touch, or feel of something is better or worse. Darker or lighter shades of grey. Or even the rarer slant of lips into reds, pinks, and the blues of affection and holding hands and sharing food-- ]
Huh? Why...
[ But Tylor is already nodding dumbly, a glance to Hani struck with confusion as he slides off his bed toward where Hani knows is his computer. He leaves his phone on his bed, still racking up international charges. Ones Hani will find, in the not so distant future, outlined in a bill accidentally used as packing for the alcohol they made together.
And so Tylor logs in, smile just as sincere yet twice as mellow. He looks the same here as he does in real life. But his hair isn't as wild now, his clothes less askew. Inky black armor, with pins of light that glow like stars.
He wonders if he'll be greeted by a smack or a kiss. But it's worth the gamble every time to find out. Even when his heart still feels raw and achy, the one time he'd rather be out walking instead of logged in. ]
[ โbut not knowing whether you liked me or not anymore, that was worse than dying.โ
what was at first an encouraging smile turns vague. hani lets their eyes drift to the space behind their phone. theyโre still listening to the conversion, still committed to the words coming out of two beloved mouths. itโs justโฆ if hani had a free hand, it would be pressed to their chest, feeling their heart burn with the truth of justyโs statement.
strange, they know theyโre loved. and they know they love justy and mithrun. what do they not know and why does death feel like another name for happinessโฆ
something to puzzle through when they have a moment, which is conveniently given when mithrun says he needs a minute with justy.
a blink. this smile, the one hani gives both of them now is real, which means itโs not their most beautiful smile. itโs a little crooked, a little small - relief tinged wistfulness. arm trailing from the warmth mithrun left behind to curl around their legs, mirroring justyโs previous pose.
you should take him for more than a minute, their mouth wants to say to one; you should keep him forever, they think to the other. this minute, however, is for them, so hani stays quiet. waiting, ever patient. ]
( Mithrun's gaze lingers on Hani's for a moment once Tylor's gone ahead, feeling like - feeling like there's something to say here, to Hani's imperfect smile, sincere and less pretty but with a little more of that brittle heart. Maybe it's because he doesn't understand the sentiment of fixing the person you love with another - even if you like that person, too. He had paid blood for love. Some of his own; mostly others'. Though he lost the desire to take, he knows what it'd been like.
So in his parting stance, nearly turned three-fourths away, he turns back to take Hani by the jaw and turn their face fully toward him, his expression frank. )
... Drown him. Don't either of you wait for me.
( And then he lets go, and strides off.
His understanding of himself would come in time - or it wouldn't. He would come around if he was meant to come around. But he couldn't force himself into the crevices of love, hoping he might be the right shape eventually; if it were at all possible for him, as much as he doubts it, he'd have to come into his own. If he had learned nothing from his failures, it was that he could only ever be himself.
And, perhaps, that he was beginning to get irate with the several he knew who would meander, refusing themselves for reasons he couldn't begin to dissect. At least, to him, this all felt like self-negation - and here he was, steadfastly who he was. How could he be anything but annoyed with company so amorphous?
Annoyance, though, unfortunately indicates a level of care. He hasn't gotten this far in his articulation, yet, though; he probably won't for some time.
He strides to where Tylor is with as much brisk purpose as he'd strode away from Hani (for brevity's sake we'll say he happened to be nearby, or he'll be lost for a decent while; certainly more than a minute). Dressed in his default skin with the mask up, his frown still pursed to his lips, he looks Tylor up and down again. Big as he recalls him being, but maybe a little more shrunk with context. )
... There was a point I'd considered saying you could come stay with me.
( And here he strides forward and grabs Tylor by the collar, and jerks him down to eye level. )
Laughing off things before they'd even begun is just another sort of rejection - in relationships or conversation. Remember that.
( He isn't angry with him - he isn't even upset. The fact of the matter was, he couldn't apologize to Tylor because Tylor had refused it by nature. It didn't hurt, it was fine, I don't really mind, anyway— Mithrun didn't even know he'd meant to try to make amends, but the effort tread water from the moment Tylor died.
It did hurt you. And you did like me, after all your suggestions I go find someone else - and look where we are now: a very different place we'd have been if you hadn't refused me so soon.
But he doesn't say that. He just means it. And he yanks Tylor closer than before, and he kisses him with force - a sort of force and depth he doesn't usually employ, but it's not a bite, it's not devouring. It's just him trying to say, in the best way he's been taught how, that he doesn't hate him, and he hasn't stopped liking him. Feelings change often - but theynecessarily must for Mithrun as he changes and grows, and he understands each person in his circle with a newer eye every day.
It's a long kiss, and when he's done, he lets go unceremoniously. )
... That was my minute.
( And, if not stopped, he'll log off so they can all swap back to Skype. He can't be sure he got through to Tylor, but he's trying. )
Edited (post midnight words) Date: 2023-09-05 08:37 am (UTC)
[ Tylor is predictably pliant, with a slightly strangled sound of surprise at being pulled to Morgan's level. The look in his eyes is warm for the words that smaller mouth forms. Tylor watches like he could the clouds; endlessly to the tune of the breeze. ]
That's no--
[ Confusion lingers after the words, only paused like his own words by the force of nature at his lips. It's not a storm, like Hani, nor is it the wild fire that Morgan had become, scorched across a meadow. Tylor melts into the contact, another natural thing to fall into, like lacing fingers and swinging arms. A long kiss, but long enough. Like the best loves in life.
On instinct, he reaches for Morgan when he lets go. It's the abruptness, the recent memory of his loss, the raw nerve of his feelings right now. There's no bandaging it. No matter that they're in the middle of the game, in public.
Just this once, he tries to hug him in place. His fingers move to thread in Morgan's hair as he speaks. This time, without hesitation. He doesn't mean to mimic that day, a different body, but the instinct is the same, to stave off that awful feeling of dying again. ]
I-- [ Wait. He wants to say. Why can't he say it? But he can't, because everyone should make their own choice.
If Morgan stays, there isn't much delay before Tylor's speaking lowly into his hair. Stripped bare, he hadn't shame before and he has none now, but he'd already left himself open this far. What was another layer of tissue, flesh?
His heart rate is too fast, falling from a skyscraper again. Only now he feels like this is real life. It's the closest to anger he's been that he can remember since being a kid, but it's not true anger-- just the spark that puts heat into the limbs he wraps around Morgan. ]
But that's not really fair, is it? How many times did I say it? [ His fingers twitch. ] Over and over, how much I love you? [ But the heat simmers, he clearly struggles not to apologize-- ] It was never my intention to to reject you. From the beginning, I only ever wanted you to be happy. And I still do.
[ If not for the open wound, he may never have whispered more at all-- ] Coming to stay with you would've been nice, huh? You never told me.
( Good. Get angry at him. Tylor doesn't make it that far, but it snaps in the air like the brush of thunder, and though it dissipates, he's glad for it there. The hug and hold is familiar in a cool way that coils in his chest like a serpent, and his lips purse without his realizing - but he says nothing, and allows the hug. He's quiet, and lets Tylor manage what he wants to say.
He's wordless as Tylor's breath warms his hair, getting quieter and quieter. )
... If today I said I took someone as my partner, and I said I couldn't let you ( or Hani, presumably, ) touch me anymore, would you send me off that way? With a smile, and a "be happy"?
[ It's an answer that would've come easy before now. Of course, yes. If someone else can make you happy. That's what he always says. It's an easy, practiced sentiment to express. So why does it feel so wrong now? Because even if he hasn't connected the dots, there is a hollow feeling that settles in the pit of his stomach at the thought of losing Morgan again. Time feels slow to Tylor, like syrup, but everything happens in such quick succession that it leaves him lightheaded.
He already knows what it is to see Morgan from afar. Only afar. It hurt. Still hurts. It feels like a rejection already, hanging heavily over him like a lesser grief even before Morgan asks what doesn't feel like a hypothetical at all.
Morgan's words press on his still open wound, bruised skin and breached dam sensitive to the added strain. Peach juice and blood pool and flow only to drip into veins, sticky and hot. His hands shift as he takes bolder strides forward, fluid but rushed; the normally peaceful flow of a creek replaced by the rush of rapids.
His verbal answer bubbles up unprompted as he moves, hoarse with genuine surprise at himself as he shakes his head-- ] No.
[ His eyes remain on Morgan's functional one then, hold on his jaw insisting their faces stay angled together as he walks the smaller man backwards. Back until Tylor's knuckles take the brunt of greeting a wall. There's the loosing of fingers, the slide of his palms to cup Morgan's face. A guide for the sudden snap; a rough and wildly hungry descent over Morgan's mouth on the heels of his answer. With enough force to flatten him to the cool and unforgiving stone at his back, it is a reunion of teeth, tongue, and lips.
His fingers splay as he puts all of his weight, the deceptively strong current of his love behind kissing him. They're gentle but greedy anchors as his steady fingers curl, digging just enough to leave indents. Reiterated, open mouth to open mouth, eye to eye, there's more weight behind it the second time. ]
No, I couldn't. I can't. [ He almost chokes-- ] Not anymore.
[ Tone clipped, willingly defeated, this is need and want; teeth and blood and a Tylor finessed devouring on the same scale as the meadow. A massacre of sense and reason, Tylor's feral kisses know finesse. He knows where to lick, but there's a new insistence now. I love you, I love you, I love you, let me devour you whole this time. is the message his mouth attempts to brand into Morgan's.
If this is the end, then at least his mouth will remember him. ]
( If Tylor had left things at his firm embrace, that would have been enough to tell Mithrun something - because Mithrun doesn't know Tylor as someone who means to stop him when he goes. Maybe it was that crackle of protest, that not wholly unjustified that's not fair, that had driven him to wonder - how much had he missed, how much had Tylor come to change? Does he hold on, now, as you pull away?
Mithrun hadn't expected a very strong protest; a yes or a no in equally strained argument, at best. But Tylor is more than that, and he has Mithrun off guard as he seizes his jaw and presses him back against a wall, and he kisses him like he needs him, without playing coy.
He's breathless into the kiss, and his fingers curl into the front of Tylor's armor at his chest in a way that feels familiar to that day at the guild hall. This time it stings, the taste of iron on his tongue, hot as his face is starting to feel, so different than the cool stone at his back. I couldn't, I can't, it seems to repeat in Tylor's voice; and maybe that's finally language he understands.
Mithrun once could not compromise on love. He's lost that impulse now, but the heart of it beats familiar in the caverns of his chest. Tylor's metronome, he thinks, as he kisses him in turn - not hungry, but inviting; have as much of me as you want, I won't go. Not right now.
Maybe that's why he liked Tylor, Hani, Barrett - he sensed their appetites, and he looked for his professor's hunger in them. Maybe if someone finally ate him fully, he could finally give up on revenge. Maybe he could finally forget about him, that way.
It's selfish of him, and he knows it; he's always been this way. Even now, in love, he only thinks about himself. He wonders if that part of him can change one day, too. )
[ donโt wait? well, they can do that but not in the way he means -
outside in the living room, haniโs phone sits. screen lit up for no-one -
inside mithrunโs second bedroom, thereโs a light, ghostly touch at mithrunโs ankle. cool fingers meeting a small hand. the edge of a thumb running up and down the ridge of the alluring bone there, smoothing skin and scar.
then another hand joins, on the knee of his other leg. feeling, coaxing, dipping into the warm crevice. open, please, just a little. a small space is all they need.
to bite into the meat of his inner thigh, right next to where their hand soothes the wrong spot of skin. lips mouth up, seeking another bite, which they take intimately, where the skin is tender, mouthwatering and delicate. this one draws blood. itโs lapped up, a careless once-over. not an apology. thereโs no apologizing for a good drink.
it must feel weird to be touched in-game in one way, and out of it in a completely different way. though the intent behind both touches are the same. need and want. is it distracting? constantly feeling something else, something other when his focus should be elsewhere? see, asks sly curling nails, this is what you make me feel. this is me, waiting. and you ask me to stop?
impossible.
these feelings were made for you. they call out your name. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2023-09-03 07:39 pm (UTC)at least thereโs that.
they offer mithrun a smile that's a little sorry, a little unfair. ]
Okay.
[ hani nods at mithrun, putting away all the wistful little parts of themself. neat little stacks, tucked away, for another rainy day of emotional overflow.
finally, they wake justy up with a text thats a little too brazen in their affection to be solely japanese. a product from another walk of life. ]
ใใฏใใใๅใฎๆใใไบบใใใพskypeใใฆใใใใฎใใ
[ then they press the call button whether he answers the text or not. ]
no subject
Date: 2023-09-03 08:04 pm (UTC)The phone rings.
And rings.
Until a groggy voice, innocent with sleep and unhurried pipes up from the other end-- ]
Mmm... ใใใใ
no subject
Date: 2023-09-03 08:34 pm (UTC)He doesn't say anything. He doesn't know what to say besides, "Okay, you can talk to me, stop being sad." But he doesn't think he's meant to say that right now. It's awkward and uncomfortable, and he doesn't like feeling like this.
He looks away, making it probably clear to Hani he doesn't have words on him right now. )
no subject
Date: 2023-09-03 08:51 pm (UTC)It's okay. We love you as you are. You don't need to know the words. I don't know either.
[ absentmindedly, they say to justy: ]
Remember to hold the phone away from your face, so you can see us, Justy-kun. Good morning.
[ their phone is held in a loose grip, angling the camera enough to catch most of hani and some of mithrun. ]
no subject
Date: 2023-09-03 09:10 pm (UTC)Good morning~ did you want to--
[ When his eyes open, he pauses with a blink on Morgan.
Different, but the same. Beautiful. His heart swells the same as it does in game. And for a moment he forgets he isn't there with them in person. He won't dwell on the dull ache of it.
But Morgan doesn't want to talk to him. Even now it's the vibe he's picking up from another time zone. So his gaze slides to Hani with a question in his slight frown. He almost asks in Japanese, but that would be rude.
He sounds cheery enough when his smile returns-- ]
Oh, hi Morgan! Wow, I can't believe we're all on our first three way call together. I didn't even dress up.
[ back to back jokes, because hes better at that than being serious ]
no subject
Date: 2023-09-03 09:45 pm (UTC)But the voice body had been all wrong. Remembering it just makes him feel all twisted up all over again.
Mithrun's lips part. There's a lot of ways he could start here. There's a lot of things he should probably say - and they contend with his impulse to stay silent, an ultimate lack of desire to fix anything damaged or broken.
So what he says when he speaks muttering and low is just an expression of that uncomfortable twisting in his stomach, in his chest: )
... I killed Fandaniel.
( His gaze not on Tylor or Hani. He just looks vaguely down and ahead at a seaside window, and he endless ocean waves )
no subject
Date: 2023-09-03 09:57 pm (UTC)their slant a questioning look at justy. if hani doesnโt know, then justy must know. ]
no subject
Date: 2023-09-03 10:16 pm (UTC)Because while he might have looked like Fandaniel, he had never felt like him. In the video, he is still until he very suddenly isn't-- ]
Ah! [ Tylor sits up suddenly, tank top straps askew. But that sound of realization quickly becomes a sound of falling off his bed tangled in blankets as the video feed spins-- ] uwahh! ow.
[ enjoy the view of his ceiling until Tylor rights himself and is leaning over his phone.
As if Morgan isn't aware that it was him, Tylor sounds genuine-- ] I sure am sorry, Morgan.
But that wasn't really Fanny. It was me the whole time. But don't feel too bad! You're so strong now, I bet you'll beat him for real next time.
no subject
Date: 2023-09-03 10:23 pm (UTC)I know that was you, the first time.
( He should clarify that he learned that as Tylor died, but he feels that's obvious. )
I hunted down the real one later.
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Date: 2023-09-03 10:43 pm (UTC)[ But that doesn't help any. He thought he'd figured it out, but Tylor slumps almost out of frame. Just his big eyes and wild hair-- ]
And yeah, of course you knew it. You're way too smart not to have figured that out.
[ A pause, where his only braincell is grasping. He just woke up and his mind feels like it's already being taken on a confusing ride.
This might be a dream. After an uncertain glance to Hani, he looks away too-- ]
Well, I'm sorry anyway. [ Eyes back on Morgan, remorseful-- ] For whatever I did to upset you.
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Date: 2023-09-03 11:07 pm (UTC)โ... I was the one who did the hurting. I can't be hurt. But he doesn't see himself as hurt. And... He doesn't know how to be upset with me.โ
ah.
well, theyโll just say it. ]
Thatโs wrong, Justy-kun. [ mild and patient. ] Will you take some of those words back? I know you mean them, but keep them for another time.
[ thatโฆ works, right? mmmโฆ what else. ]
And no more apologies from you tonight. If you want to apologize, youโll have to say something else instead, like, โI love you,โ or โdogs are cute.โ What seems like a small mistake might cut deeper than we think, you know, and apologies may chafe the wound.
[ that explanation is good enough, hani decides. to mithrun, they murmur: ]
He doesnโt know how to be upset with you, but you were actually upset with yourself, werenโt you? โฆAre you still?
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Date: 2023-09-03 11:23 pm (UTC)Hani, though, puts some pause to his thoughts, and his frown grows - though not severe in the way it might've been.
Quiet but still audible to Tylor: )
... He looked like he was hurting, when I killed him.
( And he doesn't know why he remembers or cares so much. But Tylor acting like it's nothing - even in that final moment - frustrates him. He wants to hit Tylor for not hitting him.
So, yeah, he's still upset with himself. And he doesn't know himself well enough to comprehend why he doesn't regard the incident with his usual callous indifference. )
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Date: 2023-09-04 01:00 am (UTC)[ Tylor agrees easily enough in his own confusion. He watches the exchange, picking up on their body language and the words he manages to catch. ]
No, don't worry, it wasn't that b-- [ For once, he catches him in the middle of being cheerily dismissive, cutting himself off after a glance to Hani. To Morgan.
Visible now that he's shuffled the camera down, he frowns and tries to reorganize. Morgan is upset and he's only making it worse. But why would reassuring him that he's fine be the wrong thing? It feels like the wrong thing.
Tylor doesn't piece together the road map, from Hani breaking him and lovingly putting him together again to now. But it makes the gravel in his throat easier to swallow, the water easier to tread. ]
It... did hurt. [ A frown, as he shifts a little.
Morgan's never heard him like this, vulnerable-- ] Actually, it hurt a lot. I felt like I was really dying. And all I wanted to do was hold you and see your face.
But that part didn't hurt my feelings any.
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Date: 2023-09-04 02:01 am (UTC)Because you know he didnโt mean to, that he might not have known it was you in Masterโs body. [ slowly, working through justyโs thought process and adding their little flourishes on things: ] Itโs not that the pain didnโt matter at all, but Morgan-kun was more important to you at the time. And to Mithrun-kun, your pain was more important because he had accidentally caused it. And he didnโt mean to or want to.
[ hani thinks thereโs more to it, but thatโs something for mithrun to work out on his own. or add to, if he wants. ]
And just as we donโt dismiss the fact that Mithrun-kun, Morgan-kun is importantโฆ it wouldnโt be fair to us if you were dismissive about your pain, Justy-kun. So try not to, or Iโll make you cry.
[ they hug mithrun around the waist. ]
Anything else?
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Date: 2023-09-05 04:09 am (UTC)So he's surprised when Tylor seems to pause and reassess, open up into a more tender version of himself, a sort of expression on him Mithrun isn't sure he's seen before. Was this Hani's touch, or was this something he had missed in the few days he wasn't there?
It was something to wonder, later. But right now, Hani slips an arm around his waist as they mediate - a mediation he doesn't comment on, because there's answers here he doesn't have himself - and Tylor seems like he has something else to say. At least, it seems that way to Mithrun. )
... "That part" didn't hurt you.
Then what did?
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Date: 2023-09-05 04:27 am (UTC)So instead, his gaze wanders and he draws up his knees to hold and rest his head on now that he's back up on his bed. It's easy to tell how small his places is, just from the amount of things crammed into it. Laundry, empty sake bottles, cups, and a poster of a pretty lady on a beach hung up on the wall behind him when Tylor settles in again.
When Hani hugs Morgan, Tylor squeezes his legs subtly. His smile is smooshed, but he agrees anyway. ]
Okay, you're right.
[ But he blinks at Morgan's question, shifting and dropping his gaze again.
It's painful to admit. Enough that it's probably easy to almost hear the dismissive responses when he opens his mouth and shuts it a few times. It wasn't that bad.
I'm fine now.
You don't have to like me, I don't mind.
It's alright if you want to leave.
Until eventually, I missed you makes his gut flip. ]
... I want you to live your life the way you want. Whatever makes you happy.
[ The first part comes easy. But the last sounds ss if this is the most difficult thing in the world to force out of his suddenly dry mouth-- ] But not knowing whether you liked me or not anymore, that was worse than dying.
[ A blink, trying to move on-- ] Oh. I'm so-- Uh, I mean. Dogs are cute, but I really am okay though. I promise! Man, I'm really glad we've cleared all of this up!
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Date: 2023-09-05 07:06 am (UTC)He almost misses it, when Tylor admits the bit worming through his heart, quieter and quicker than Mithrun thinks it ought to be. He doesn't know why - Tylor would think that. Mithrun's not someone who's particularly adept at handling anxiety. But he said it to Hani once, he thinks - the more you love someone, the more you worry. Stupid as it is, baseless as it is.
Maybe Tylor's heart is just too big, and that's why Mithrun can't really grasp it. The rest of Tylor isn't so big as he'd thought.
Unreassuringly, Mithrun's expression remains a frown, which only seems to grow as Tylor stumbles to a clumsy finish to tie things off with a bow. Not the greatest expression to give someone afraid you stopped caring for them.
He pushes from the couch suddenly, taking to his feet. )
Log on. I only need a minute.
( He glances at Hani in acknowledgment that they won't be involved in this, but there's nothing much for it with the restriction of headsets. At least he's sincere that he only needs a minute. )
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Date: 2023-09-05 07:19 am (UTC)Huh? Why...
[ But Tylor is already nodding dumbly, a glance to Hani struck with confusion as he slides off his bed toward where Hani knows is his computer. He leaves his phone on his bed, still racking up international charges. Ones Hani will find, in the not so distant future, outlined in a bill accidentally used as packing for the alcohol they made together.
And so Tylor logs in, smile just as sincere yet twice as mellow. He looks the same here as he does in real life. But his hair isn't as wild now, his clothes less askew. Inky black armor, with pins of light that glow like stars.
He wonders if he'll be greeted by a smack or a kiss. But it's worth the gamble every time to find out. Even when his heart still feels raw and achy, the one time he'd rather be out walking instead of logged in. ]
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Date: 2023-09-05 07:27 am (UTC)what was at first an encouraging smile turns vague. hani lets their eyes drift to the space behind their phone. theyโre still listening to the conversion, still committed to the words coming out of two beloved mouths. itโs justโฆ if hani had a free hand, it would be pressed to their chest, feeling their heart burn with the truth of justyโs statement.
strange, they know theyโre loved. and they know they love justy and mithrun. what do they not know and why does death feel like another name for happinessโฆ
something to puzzle through when they have a moment, which is conveniently given when mithrun says he needs a minute with justy.
a blink. this smile, the one hani gives both of them now is real, which means itโs not their most beautiful smile. itโs a little crooked, a little small - relief tinged wistfulness. arm trailing from the warmth mithrun left behind to curl around their legs, mirroring justyโs previous pose.
you should take him for more than a minute, their mouth wants to say to one; you should keep him forever, they think to the other. this minute, however, is for them, so hani stays quiet. waiting, ever patient. ]
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Date: 2023-09-05 08:27 am (UTC)So in his parting stance, nearly turned three-fourths away, he turns back to take Hani by the jaw and turn their face fully toward him, his expression frank. )
... Drown him. Don't either of you wait for me.
( And then he lets go, and strides off.
His understanding of himself would come in time - or it wouldn't. He would come around if he was meant to come around. But he couldn't force himself into the crevices of love, hoping he might be the right shape eventually; if it were at all possible for him, as much as he doubts it, he'd have to come into his own. If he had learned nothing from his failures, it was that he could only ever be himself.
And, perhaps, that he was beginning to get irate with the several he knew who would meander, refusing themselves for reasons he couldn't begin to dissect. At least, to him, this all felt like self-negation - and here he was, steadfastly who he was. How could he be anything but annoyed with company so amorphous?
Annoyance, though, unfortunately indicates a level of care. He hasn't gotten this far in his articulation, yet, though; he probably won't for some time.
He strides to where Tylor is with as much brisk purpose as he'd strode away from Hani (for brevity's sake we'll say he happened to be nearby, or he'll be lost for a decent while; certainly more than a minute). Dressed in his default skin with the mask up, his frown still pursed to his lips, he looks Tylor up and down again. Big as he recalls him being, but maybe a little more shrunk with context. )
... There was a point I'd considered saying you could come stay with me.
( And here he strides forward and grabs Tylor by the collar, and jerks him down to eye level. )
Laughing off things before they'd even begun is just another sort of rejection - in relationships or conversation. Remember that.
( He isn't angry with him - he isn't even upset. The fact of the matter was, he couldn't apologize to Tylor because Tylor had refused it by nature. It didn't hurt, it was fine, I don't really mind, anyway— Mithrun didn't even know he'd meant to try to make amends, but the effort tread water from the moment Tylor died.
It did hurt you. And you did like me, after all your suggestions I go find someone else - and look where we are now: a very different place we'd have been if you hadn't refused me so soon.
But he doesn't say that. He just means it. And he yanks Tylor closer than before, and he kisses him with force - a sort of force and depth he doesn't usually employ, but it's not a bite, it's not devouring. It's just him trying to say, in the best way he's been taught how, that he doesn't hate him, and he hasn't stopped liking him. Feelings change often - but theynecessarily must for Mithrun as he changes and grows, and he understands each person in his circle with a newer eye every day.
It's a long kiss, and when he's done, he lets go unceremoniously. )
... That was my minute.
( And, if not stopped, he'll log off so they can all swap back to Skype. He can't be sure he got through to Tylor, but he's trying. )
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Date: 2023-09-05 09:30 am (UTC)That's no--
[ Confusion lingers after the words, only paused like his own words by the force of nature at his lips. It's not a storm, like Hani, nor is it the wild fire that Morgan had become, scorched across a meadow. Tylor melts into the contact, another natural thing to fall into, like lacing fingers and swinging arms. A long kiss, but long enough. Like the best loves in life.
On instinct, he reaches for Morgan when he lets go. It's the abruptness, the recent memory of his loss, the raw nerve of his feelings right now. There's no bandaging it. No matter that they're in the middle of the game, in public.
Just this once, he tries to hug him in place. His fingers move to thread in Morgan's hair as he speaks. This time, without hesitation. He doesn't mean to mimic that day, a different body, but the instinct is the same, to stave off that awful feeling of dying again. ]
I-- [ Wait. He wants to say. Why can't he say it? But he can't, because everyone should make their own choice.
If Morgan stays, there isn't much delay before Tylor's speaking lowly into his hair. Stripped bare, he hadn't shame before and he has none now, but he'd already left himself open this far. What was another layer of tissue, flesh?
His heart rate is too fast, falling from a skyscraper again. Only now he feels like this is real life. It's the closest to anger he's been that he can remember since being a kid, but it's not true anger-- just the spark that puts heat into the limbs he wraps around Morgan. ]
But that's not really fair, is it? How many times did I say it? [ His fingers twitch. ] Over and over, how much I love you? [ But the heat simmers, he clearly struggles not to apologize-- ] It was never my intention to to reject you. From the beginning, I only ever wanted you to be happy. And I still do.
[ If not for the open wound, he may never have whispered more at all-- ] Coming to stay with you would've been nice, huh? You never told me.
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Date: 2023-09-05 09:50 am (UTC)He's wordless as Tylor's breath warms his hair, getting quieter and quieter. )
... If today I said I took someone as my partner, and I said I couldn't let you ( or Hani, presumably, ) touch me anymore, would you send me off that way? With a smile, and a "be happy"?
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Date: 2023-09-05 01:22 pm (UTC)He already knows what it is to see Morgan from afar. Only afar. It hurt. Still hurts. It feels like a rejection already, hanging heavily over him like a lesser grief even before Morgan asks what doesn't feel like a hypothetical at all.
Morgan's words press on his still open wound, bruised skin and breached dam sensitive to the added strain. Peach juice and blood pool and flow only to drip into veins, sticky and hot. His hands shift as he takes bolder strides forward, fluid but rushed; the normally peaceful flow of a creek replaced by the rush of rapids.
His verbal answer bubbles up unprompted as he moves, hoarse with genuine surprise at himself as he shakes his head-- ] No.
[ His eyes remain on Morgan's functional one then, hold on his jaw insisting their faces stay angled together as he walks the smaller man backwards. Back until Tylor's knuckles take the brunt of greeting a wall. There's the loosing of fingers, the slide of his palms to cup Morgan's face. A guide for the sudden snap; a rough and wildly hungry descent over Morgan's mouth on the heels of his answer. With enough force to flatten him to the cool and unforgiving stone at his back, it is a reunion of teeth, tongue, and lips.
His fingers splay as he puts all of his weight, the deceptively strong current of his love behind kissing him. They're gentle but greedy anchors as his steady fingers curl, digging just enough to leave indents. Reiterated, open mouth to open mouth, eye to eye, there's more weight behind it the second time. ]
No, I couldn't. I can't. [ He almost chokes-- ] Not anymore.
[ Tone clipped, willingly defeated, this is need and want; teeth and blood and a Tylor finessed devouring on the same scale as the meadow. A massacre of sense and reason, Tylor's feral kisses know finesse. He knows where to lick, but there's a new insistence now. I love you, I love you, I love you, let me devour you whole this time. is the message his mouth attempts to brand into Morgan's.
If this is the end, then at least his mouth will remember him. ]
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Date: 2023-09-05 11:43 pm (UTC)Mithrun hadn't expected a very strong protest; a yes or a no in equally strained argument, at best. But Tylor is more than that, and he has Mithrun off guard as he seizes his jaw and presses him back against a wall, and he kisses him like he needs him, without playing coy.
He's breathless into the kiss, and his fingers curl into the front of Tylor's armor at his chest in a way that feels familiar to that day at the guild hall. This time it stings, the taste of iron on his tongue, hot as his face is starting to feel, so different than the cool stone at his back. I couldn't, I can't, it seems to repeat in Tylor's voice; and maybe that's finally language he understands.
Mithrun once could not compromise on love. He's lost that impulse now, but the heart of it beats familiar in the caverns of his chest. Tylor's metronome, he thinks, as he kisses him in turn - not hungry, but inviting; have as much of me as you want, I won't go. Not right now.
Maybe that's why he liked Tylor, Hani, Barrett - he sensed their appetites, and he looked for his professor's hunger in them. Maybe if someone finally ate him fully, he could finally give up on revenge. Maybe he could finally forget about him, that way.
It's selfish of him, and he knows it; he's always been this way. Even now, in love, he only thinks about himself. He wonders if that part of him can change one day, too. )
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Date: 2023-09-05 11:52 pm (UTC)outside in the living room, haniโs phone sits. screen lit up for no-one -
inside mithrunโs second bedroom, thereโs a light, ghostly touch at mithrunโs ankle. cool fingers meeting a small hand. the edge of a thumb running up and down the ridge of the alluring bone there, smoothing skin and scar.
then another hand joins, on the knee of his other leg. feeling, coaxing, dipping into the warm crevice. open, please, just a little. a small space is all they need.
to bite into the meat of his inner thigh, right next to where their hand soothes the wrong spot of skin. lips mouth up, seeking another bite, which they take intimately, where the skin is tender, mouthwatering and delicate. this one draws blood. itโs lapped up, a careless once-over. not an apology. thereโs no apologizing for a good drink.
it must feel weird to be touched in-game in one way, and out of it in a completely different way. though the intent behind both touches are the same. need and want. is it distracting? constantly feeling something else, something other when his focus should be elsewhere? see, asks sly curling nails, this is what you make me feel. this is me, waiting. and you ask me to stop?
impossible.
these feelings were made for you. they call out your name. ]
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