( He's not good enough to be pleased when he sees Hani and Tylor melt into each other. He sees it and he sees Niamh and his brother, he hears Sylvain's awkward apologies, he remembers - the professor's kind and gentle reminders: It's such a pity you're so full of love, Morgan; all this love, but they have so much more to offer others, and you have so, so little... )
Just someone who can keep their eyes on me.
( And that may be neither of them. That may be nobody at all. Because he's asking them to eat dinner scraps and forgo a whole meal. Of course they'd need a second person there - they'd have to scrape the scraps onto a fuller plate.
But that's the problem with wanting: all of this comes back. )
Do you honestly think what you can get with one person will ever satisfy you? Are you even made to be satiated by one person? You’ll never be lacking again? [ they dark eyes are on him right now, reflecting only him, the only light glints from the sweep of their lashes. ] That two could not fill you up until you overflow and demand more, not for the lack of it, but for the thrill of wanting?
[ the questions are frank, callous in their curiosity. ]
Justy is the first person I’ve ever been in love with. And then there’s you. No one else. I’m so angry with you right now, and I love you so much.
[ and to preemptively clear any misunderstandings: ]
Not because you said no, but earlier you didn’t let me speak. I love you even when you say no, I wonder if you know.
I’ll never love anyone else the way I love Justy. And I’ll never love anyone the way I love you - not Justy, no one. I can say, honestly, that there’s no one I love more than you because I can’t love anyone in the same way.
[ hani sits in the middle of murky water, on a raft made of a broken beautiful boy and it leaks. they could sink - (i love you. do you? do you?) - and maybe they are sinking already, the roses remain floating but the briars fall like ribbons into the water attached to the head of a monster called love.
and still, they want it.
hani grabs his face in a caress, delicate and savage as their thumb presses into where they’d left the bite. some things cannot help but be felt even when our mouths say otherwise. and this is just everything they want to say. ]
You would starve to drown when I can drown you now. And I have - drowned him. I pulled him down and tore out his heart and his lungs and all the things he dared to hide. I held him down until he struggled. And he was so beautiful, Morgan. [ a monster, a monster. thumb digging in more and more, tearing the bite. making it bleed anew. ] And when I finally let him up for air, it was glorious, Mithrun. He needed me to breathe.
And I’ll do it again. You said you want me, so don’t forget. [ don’t forget the shape of them. ] I’ll pull you down. I’ll crawl inside of you and I’ll devour you from the inside out with devotion. And you and I know how this hunger works. It won’t be enough, it won’t.
You think it’s too late for us to have you because we’re more than one, but it’s too late for me to leave you. Don’t change who you are. I won’t change myself either.
( Ah, that stings. It stings; he tastes it as it tears - the bitter iron in Hani's words, pumping straight from the heart. They whip about him like winds and storm feeling bigger than they are; they are so much in this moment, they are what Mithrun had wondered if they could be, they are brittle and they are this storm and he thinks maybe the waters go even deeper, deeper than he thinks. He feels for them an admiration you reserve for natural disaster. Maybe this is where Tylor tripped in, dragged down by the undertow.
What had they done with Tylor when he wasn't there? Is that why things were so different this time, when Hani spoke to Tylor over Skype? On cue, he spoke correctly. Mithrun hadn't been there to know why. Didn't he say - didn't he say not to leave him out? He'd graduated from his program and he was gripping Niamh's letters and there she was beside his brother changed, gentler than she'd been before.
I won't be with you - but keep me there. I wont say I'll stay - but love me, too. That's what he is. He likes Hani vicious, he likes Tylor vulnerable, and maybe someone more sensible would find Hani's words terrifying, what they said they'd done awful, but Mithrun is just
jealous. Jealous of the both of them. )
... If you're going to drown me, then drown me soon. I won't be around for so long. ( Tylor knows this already. Mithrun feels - overwhelmed. Unfocused, dizzy. He continues. ) Devour me until there's nothing left. I don't care about the after. You love me, don't you? With this love for only me?
[ he won’t be around? something different than leaving, something more than not staying. hani doesn’t ask where he’s going without them; why he won’t be around them for so long; and how he can bear to let his stomach eat itself by going as one out of three, or even one out of two.
hani leans in to lick the blood on his lips, tongue darting around their thumb. no one else will taste like this, they sigh. ]
Always yours, only yours. No one can touch it, no one.
[ it’s less of a promise, more of a statement. the sun sets on the city of angels, dusk painting mithrun the most beautiful creature in the world, and a siren loves him more than anything. ]
Soon.
[ this, they promise. ]
With just me? You don’t want Justy to watch you and love you as you drown? He wouldn’t even be able to look away.
( Hani's shadow casts longer than his across the wall, Mithrun sinking down back against his end of the couch. They are good at this, he understands; good at pulling people in close, good at keeping them near. Not yet, not yet - a promise to keep you going into tomorrow, and tomorrow, but he doesn't even want today. He brings up his hands to their shoulders as they lick his lips, and they slide gently up to caress either side of their neck - as if he might grab them there.
He doesn't. He doesn't, but, )
... Just you.
( He does want Tylor there, but - just Tylor. Or just Hani. Just one. If this is his like Hani says, he doesn't want to share it. He wants to keep it in his hands like a firefly, and crush it. )
... I'm going soon. ( He borrows Hani's wording, in the same way he borrows people's I love you's, I'm sorry's, and all the rest - borrows them and applies them haphazard, clumsy. ) I know I'm dying soon enough.
( Barrett said - don't. It's a choice, he doesn't have to. But - he doesn't know. He didn't promise. Right now, death feels fine. )
[ eyes closed, hani leans into his touch. this way, they can feel how steadily the raft is sinking, leaking something from the both of them. their essences mixing into the water in dying streaks. ]
Are you going alone? Why? Take one of us with you.
( He doesn't know. Does anyone, really? He can invite Death, but it will come as it comes, and he can only hope it comes when he feels he's been finally hollowed out.
(or full, if he could be, but he - cant, right?)
Hani's neck is small and slender as the rest of them, but he'd never thought how slight it was until they press it into his hands. )
... Just one?
( Gently, he puts pressure at his fingers. And then the grip is less gentle. Not a threat - not a promise - but an invitation as real as the bitter blood at his tongue, his grip that much sharper against the bruising bite he'd left for them. )
[ is his grip sharp enough to cut off their words? they push through anyway, more of a hiss than a whisper: ]
You could take us both, if you wanted.
[ but only one, he said. just one, he said.
though mithrun is the one with hands dipped the makings of a murder, hani’s the one that seems to gain life from this - eyes the brightest they’ve been since returning to this room, snapping like stars. ]
And you can take me now, if it’s my time. But if your soon is not now, then no. I’d like to be with you until your end.
But if you decide it’s my time anyway, then you’re welcome to try.
( He feels muggy-headed. He has said love and need and want so many times it's lost meaning again, sloshing around and overflowing faster than he can sieve it out of him. Why - did he say that? Why did he do that? Why is he here?
He's angry at them, he thinks. The both of them. They did this to him somehow.
Death is fine, if it comes. But he doesn't want to die - exactly. He wants to be hollow (he doesn't formulate it in these words - he's still concerned with his revenge). Killing Hani here won't do much for him but leave him lonelier, but his body's hot and bubbling and he still feels cool at his back where Tylor pressed him up against the wall. Tylor's taste at his lips, Hani's taste like iron at his tongue.
His grip tightens, when they allow him to try. He would've done it even if they hadn't. How greatly the two of them have distracted him. How sweet and sunny their picnics had been, how gentle the meadows. How fascinating Hani, how comfortable Tylor.
His grip tightens, bruising. )
... No. You can't come with me. We aren't going to the same place.
( And his grip tightens, to try and make them pass out. That's when he releases - would release, if he has a choice. )
[ a small noise escapes hani, not… not of pain, but discomfort. their brows furrow, eyes flickering close. and then they stay closed. maybe it’s the lack of oxygen, but some vague part in them wonders if this is where they meet death. in all the stories, it’s romantic, they remember, to die by the hand of the one you love. and they love… ]
Are you… upset - at yourself again…? [ is that why they can’t go to the same place? ] Morgan…
[ but they also love - justy. oh, justy.
their eyes blink open, searching for him - no, they promised. even if mithrun doesn’t stay, hani has to. wants to. that bright summer day, the arms that caught them and haven’t let go since, drowning in that small apartment. hani wasn’t asked to stay, but they will anyway. ]
… Enough. Love you, but - not… yet.
[ love for the two of them gives hani strength to grab one of mithrun’s hands. and then the phone rings. hani keeps their eyes on mithrun’s, waiting. ]
( Mithrun doesn't let go. If he hears them, he doesn't answer. His expression is still - impersonal. The phone rings.
are you upset at yourself again?
The phone rings.
He doesn't let go. It doesn't seem even that his lungs breathe or his heart beats. For a moment it seems like he won't stop. He just will - callously, selfishly, cruelly, in the same way that he loves.
The phone rings.
And with a suddenness, he lets go.
...
His gaze lingers on Hani like he's trying to say something, but it's not clear what it is - nothing angry toward them, nothing hateful. Not even apologetic.
Just some vague regard even he doesn't understand.
He gets up to fetch his phone from some side table. He picks up. If Tylor's using Skype, then Hani's not in view, yet. Seeing Tylor again so soon is strange, too.
...
He doesn't say anything, gazing down at the screen. He strides back to Hani, and offers his phone to them. Just like that, Mithrun's out of view, and Hani's back in sight. )
[ He's using skype, big blue eyes looking back once Morgan answers. There's confusion as Morgan's name trails off. As happiness at seeing his face until it wins over his expression too. He stares as long as Morgan gazes down at him. It's the middle of the day where he is, standing in the shade and the faint sound of cicadas in the background.
The marks on Hani are hard to miss, there's an soft but audible gasp on Tylor's end. ]
[ hani is still catching their breath, dry coughs to clear their sore throat. touching their throat proves that, oh, that did just happen. it hurts. but their gauge for pain is - off. the skin feels raw, and the inside feels scraped, but it isn’t so bad.
when they take the phone from mithrun, they don’t look disheveled enough for a fight; they’d hardly struggle at all until the promise. ]
No. [ too tight, no air - the first word is pushed out with a shake of their head. ] Not… not fighting. I was learning Mithrun-kun. Morgan-kun.
[ Tylor accepts the answer easily enough but there's something, something he's clearly keeping from swelling up until it does anyway. There's an edge that isn't always there, channeling his mom for once with the odd firmness she lent his voice when he wanted to put it there-- ] Let him see me too, Hani.
[ There's that flicker of heat again, he's only slurring a little. It's hard to notice with how much he means every word. ]
Things were going so well before all of this. We were all so happy together in our own ways and now look at us.
Why do we have to hurt ourselves deciding now? You don't have to force love, but you have to give it a chance.
M&M, you don't even know what it would be like to have us come stay with you while you're still here. How would you know what anything tastes like if you never tried anything?
Why are we the only thing you won't try?
[ There's clearly more here, itching beneath the surface as he looks between the two of them if he's been held up to see them both. ]
( The sudden impulse of emotion from Tylor, of all people, surprises him, enough to pull Mithrun out of his silent stupor to look to the screen, but - he frowns. His brows furrow. His lips part, because - hadn't he been trying? All this time, every time with the three of them, together? He had considered closely that those times would be what it would be like if they were together as some formal unit, if he ever broached the topic - because the other two wouldn't. He had paused to think every time Hani and Tylor kissed, and wondered how it felt - wondered how it would feel, to live his life with this.
He had considered it and he had understood he didn't really like it. Was there something he hadn't done enough of, some effort he'd been lacking? Hadn't he come to think he loved them? Hadn't he said he wanted them, too?
But - why is he even wondering? He closes his mouth. Of course there was some shortage here; he is not made up of very much. The same way he thought he'd been doing an all right enough job with drowning, with dealing with pain - it just went around upsetting people. By the standards of someone empty, he must surely be trying hard. But by the standards of any other - maybe not so much. Tylor had a good eye. He would know, if Mithrun was trying hard enough.
And if that's what Tylor sees - if that's what Hani sees, too - then Mithrun thinks he can't convince them. What can he say? "I'm sorry, you're in love with a tenth of a person - my love and my effort will only ever be a tenth of yours"? He hadn't told them to leave him alone, he hadn't told them to leave his house - though he thinks that's about to change. He just - said he wanted something.
Ah.
No, that was it. It's been so long that he forgot - that this is the tax, the cost. If you want one thing, the rest just ends up going away. He'd forgotten, he forgot.
His gaze had held on Tylor, but he finally seems to give up on finding something to say. It slides to Hani, his lips a frown. )
... Go back to Santa Monica, Hani. I'll talk another time.
( With either of them. He's not cutting them off. But he's saying not right now. )
[ obedience in love turns the phone so justy can see.
and that’s an expression they’ve yet to see from justy. hani’s hand moves from their bruised neck to their lips, self-soothing (why? from who?), and they glance at mithrun, an unconscious gesture. is this an expression he knows?
no, it doesn’t look like it.
every word that spills out of justy surprises them even further. they swallow their own words as they listen, each syllable goes down like glass, only to be buried in hot sand.
now look at us.
(but maybe… maybe we hadn’t been looking closely enough before, blinded by love as we were.)
have they all decided on hurting as an answer at this point? did mithrun hold his neck in a caress or a clamp? was justy right about this point at least?
they don’t know. and because they don’t know, obedience has them nod at mithrun, keenly feeling the stiffness settle in, aware that the next day the pain will be worse. what about the other hurts…? ]
… Don’t change who you are. [ are the words they repeat to mithrun, the ones that come up first. not the only ones, however: ] Justy-kun seems to have more to say, so you can at least listen if you don’t want to talk. Just one more minute for him.
[ they press a kiss to two fingers and tap the screen twice. i’ve listened, my heart, i’ll see you soon. all that’s left to do is to hand the phone back, and leave. ]
[ Tylor feels Morgan's words sink to the pit of his stomach with the upset along with the rest of the words he'd wanted to say. The air is gone from the sails of his blip of barely there anger.
There's nothing else to say now. But Hani is handing the phone over and disappearing from the frame. And for a beat, a glance, all Tylor does is take a deep breath and deflates. Relaxes, really, back against hot brick in a cramped alleyway.
They're both drained. All three, really, but Tylor doesn't think there is anything else to be gained today talking to Morgan. They'd said what they meant. And here they are now. Hani will want his call next, he figures.
It's easy for him to sound warm again after all of that. As if he hadn't been upset moments before, he offers Morgan a smile. A return to form, habit more than deeply penetrating calm. It'd be easy to prod him back to raw emotion. But for now it is placid. ]
It's really unfair, how beautiful you still look.
[ He would brush Morgan's hair back if he could, his finger even twitches with the unsatisfied urge. ]
I'm going to call you later, if that's alright. But remember to drink some water and get enough sleep, okay?
[ He will give Morgan time to hang up before he does, time he spends soaking in the moment he has to peacefully, quietly, look over his face. ]
( Don't change who you are - he would have so many times, if only he knew how. But he lets Hani part without further remark, lets Tylor talk on beauty without a word, too, though he knows the both of them sincere in what they say.
He knows this is his fault. We were so happy before - yes, he does that; he leaves things a little worse off, maybe. But he doesn't know if he feels regret, he doesn't know if he feels particular mind. They would have been better off if he remained as he was, wanting nothing and hedging toward needs every now and again, but ultimately pliable. But he is changing, whether he likes it or not (he doesn't).
He looks at the phone in his hand, he looks at Tylor on the little screen, the burden heavier than it feels like it should be. )
... All right.
( He doesn't make it clear what he's agreeing to, but he agrees. )
See you.
( It almost seems like there's more he intends to say, but, after a moment, he doesn't, this time. He leaves it alone, the matter done, the blood spilt, and hangs up.
Hani and Tylor would have each other, and they could find some other third eventually. One who spoke their same secret language, who - was maybe, a little bit more whole. And then things would be fine with them, again.
Life goes on. He just needs to focus on his goal, and his life will stay clean and simple - surely, surely, surely. )
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2023-09-07 02:32 am (UTC)... Just one at a time.
( He's not good enough to be pleased when he sees Hani and Tylor melt into each other. He sees it and he sees Niamh and his brother, he hears Sylvain's awkward apologies, he remembers - the professor's kind and gentle reminders: It's such a pity you're so full of love, Morgan; all this love, but they have so much more to offer others, and you have so, so little... )
Just someone who can keep their eyes on me.
( And that may be neither of them. That may be nobody at all. Because he's asking them to eat dinner scraps and forgo a whole meal. Of course they'd need a second person there - they'd have to scrape the scraps onto a fuller plate.
But that's the problem with wanting: all of this comes back. )
no subject
Date: 2023-09-07 02:45 am (UTC)[ the questions are frank, callous in their curiosity. ]
Justy is the first person I’ve ever been in love with. And then there’s you. No one else. I’m so angry with you right now, and I love you so much.
[ and to preemptively clear any misunderstandings: ]
Not because you said no, but earlier you didn’t let me speak. I love you even when you say no, I wonder if you know.
I’ll never love anyone else the way I love Justy. And I’ll never love anyone the way I love you - not Justy, no one. I can say, honestly, that there’s no one I love more than you because I can’t love anyone in the same way.
This love has your name on it. It’s made for one.
no subject
Date: 2023-09-07 04:03 am (UTC)[ hani sits in the middle of murky water, on a raft made of a broken beautiful boy and it leaks. they could sink - (i love you. do you? do you?) - and maybe they are sinking already, the roses remain floating but the briars fall like ribbons into the water attached to the head of a monster called love.
and still, they want it.
hani grabs his face in a caress, delicate and savage as their thumb presses into where they’d left the bite. some things cannot help but be felt even when our mouths say otherwise. and this is just everything they want to say. ]
You would starve to drown when I can drown you now. And I have - drowned him. I pulled him down and tore out his heart and his lungs and all the things he dared to hide. I held him down until he struggled. And he was so beautiful, Morgan. [ a monster, a monster. thumb digging in more and more, tearing the bite. making it bleed anew. ] And when I finally let him up for air, it was glorious, Mithrun. He needed me to breathe.
And I’ll do it again. You said you want me, so don’t forget. [ don’t forget the shape of them. ] I’ll pull you down. I’ll crawl inside of you and I’ll devour you from the inside out with devotion. And you and I know how this hunger works. It won’t be enough, it won’t.
You think it’s too late for us to have you because we’re more than one, but it’s too late for me to leave you. Don’t change who you are. I won’t change myself either.
no subject
Date: 2023-09-07 04:32 am (UTC)What had they done with Tylor when he wasn't there? Is that why things were so different this time, when Hani spoke to Tylor over Skype? On cue, he spoke correctly. Mithrun hadn't been there to know why. Didn't he say - didn't he say not to leave him out? He'd graduated from his program and he was gripping Niamh's letters and there she was beside his brother changed, gentler than she'd been before.
I won't be with you - but keep me there. I wont say I'll stay - but love me, too. That's what he is. He likes Hani vicious, he likes Tylor vulnerable, and maybe someone more sensible would find Hani's words terrifying, what they said they'd done awful, but Mithrun is just
jealous. Jealous of the both of them. )
... If you're going to drown me, then drown me soon. I won't be around for so long. ( Tylor knows this already. Mithrun feels - overwhelmed. Unfocused, dizzy. He continues. ) Devour me until there's nothing left. I don't care about the after. You love me, don't you? With this love for only me?
no subject
Date: 2023-09-07 05:12 am (UTC)[ he won’t be around? something different than leaving, something more than not staying. hani doesn’t ask where he’s going without them; why he won’t be around them for so long; and how he can bear to let his stomach eat itself by going as one out of three, or even one out of two.
hani leans in to lick the blood on his lips, tongue darting around their thumb. no one else will taste like this, they sigh. ]
Always yours, only yours. No one can touch it, no one.
[ it’s less of a promise, more of a statement. the sun sets on the city of angels, dusk painting mithrun the most beautiful creature in the world, and a siren loves him more than anything. ]
Soon.
[ this, they promise. ]
With just me? You don’t want Justy to watch you and love you as you drown? He wouldn’t even be able to look away.
no subject
Date: 2023-09-07 05:35 am (UTC)He doesn't. He doesn't, but, )
... Just you.
( He does want Tylor there, but - just Tylor. Or just Hani. Just one. If this is his like Hani says, he doesn't want to share it. He wants to keep it in his hands like a firefly, and crush it. )
... I'm going soon. ( He borrows Hani's wording, in the same way he borrows people's I love you's, I'm sorry's, and all the rest - borrows them and applies them haphazard, clumsy. ) I know I'm dying soon enough.
( Barrett said - don't. It's a choice, he doesn't have to. But - he doesn't know. He didn't promise. Right now, death feels fine. )
no subject
Date: 2023-09-07 05:55 am (UTC)How soon is soon?
[ eyes closed, hani leans into his touch. this way, they can feel how steadily the raft is sinking, leaking something from the both of them. their essences mixing into the water in dying streaks. ]
Are you going alone? Why? Take one of us with you.
no subject
Date: 2023-09-07 06:01 am (UTC)( He doesn't know. Does anyone, really? He can invite Death, but it will come as it comes, and he can only hope it comes when he feels he's been finally hollowed out.
(or full, if he could be, but he - cant, right?)
Hani's neck is small and slender as the rest of them, but he'd never thought how slight it was until they press it into his hands. )
... Just one?
( Gently, he puts pressure at his fingers. And then the grip is less gentle. Not a threat - not a promise - but an invitation as real as the bitter blood at his tongue, his grip that much sharper against the bruising bite he'd left for them. )
I would take you now. Can I?
no subject
Date: 2023-09-07 06:22 am (UTC)You could take us both, if you wanted.
[ but only one, he said. just one, he said.
though mithrun is the one with hands dipped the makings of a murder, hani’s the one that seems to gain life from this - eyes the brightest they’ve been since returning to this room, snapping like stars. ]
And you can take me now, if it’s my time. But if your soon is not now, then no. I’d like to be with you until your end.
But if you decide it’s my time anyway, then you’re welcome to try.
no subject
Date: 2023-09-07 06:47 am (UTC)He's angry at them, he thinks. The both of them. They did this to him somehow.
Death is fine, if it comes. But he doesn't want to die - exactly. He wants to be hollow (he doesn't formulate it in these words - he's still concerned with his revenge). Killing Hani here won't do much for him but leave him lonelier, but his body's hot and bubbling and he still feels cool at his back where Tylor pressed him up against the wall. Tylor's taste at his lips, Hani's taste like iron at his tongue.
His grip tightens, when they allow him to try. He would've done it even if they hadn't. How greatly the two of them have distracted him. How sweet and sunny their picnics had been, how gentle the meadows. How fascinating Hani, how comfortable Tylor.
His grip tightens, bruising. )
... No. You can't come with me. We aren't going to the same place.
( And his grip tightens, to try and make them pass out. That's when he releases - would release, if he has a choice. )
no subject
Date: 2023-09-07 06:56 am (UTC)Hani's number is next. ]
no subject
Date: 2023-09-07 07:14 am (UTC)Are you… upset - at yourself again…? [ is that why they can’t go to the same place? ] Morgan…
[ but they also love - justy. oh, justy.
their eyes blink open, searching for him - no, they promised. even if mithrun doesn’t stay, hani has to. wants to. that bright summer day, the arms that caught them and haven’t let go since, drowning in that small apartment. hani wasn’t asked to stay, but they will anyway. ]
… Enough. Love you, but - not… yet.
[ love for the two of them gives hani strength to grab one of mithrun’s hands. and then the phone rings. hani keeps their eyes on mithrun’s, waiting. ]
no subject
Date: 2023-09-07 07:25 am (UTC)are you upset at yourself again?
The phone rings.
He doesn't let go. It doesn't seem even that his lungs breathe or his heart beats. For a moment it seems like he won't stop. He just will - callously, selfishly, cruelly, in the same way that he loves.
The phone rings.
And with a suddenness, he lets go.
...
His gaze lingers on Hani like he's trying to say something, but it's not clear what it is - nothing angry toward them, nothing hateful. Not even apologetic.
Just some vague regard even he doesn't understand.
He gets up to fetch his phone from some side table. He picks up. If Tylor's using Skype, then Hani's not in view, yet. Seeing Tylor again so soon is strange, too.
...
He doesn't say anything, gazing down at the screen. He strides back to Hani, and offers his phone to them. Just like that, Mithrun's out of view, and Hani's back in sight. )
no subject
Date: 2023-09-07 07:41 am (UTC)[ He's using skype, big blue eyes looking back once Morgan answers. There's confusion as Morgan's name trails off. As happiness at seeing his face until it wins over his expression too. He stares as long as Morgan gazes down at him. It's the middle of the day where he is, standing in the shade and the faint sound of cicadas in the background.
The marks on Hani are hard to miss, there's an soft but audible gasp on Tylor's end. ]
Were you guys fighting? But why?
no subject
Date: 2023-09-07 08:00 am (UTC)when they take the phone from mithrun, they don’t look disheveled enough for a fight; they’d hardly struggle at all until the promise. ]
No. [ too tight, no air - the first word is pushed out with a shake of their head. ] Not… not fighting. I was learning Mithrun-kun. Morgan-kun.
no subject
Date: 2023-09-07 08:38 am (UTC)[ There's that flicker of heat again, he's only slurring a little. It's hard to notice with how much he means every word. ]
Things were going so well before all of this. We were all so happy together in our own ways and now look at us.
Why do we have to hurt ourselves deciding now? You don't have to force love, but you have to give it a chance.
M&M, you don't even know what it would be like to have us come stay with you while you're still here. How would you know what anything tastes like if you never tried anything?
Why are we the only thing you won't try?
[ There's clearly more here, itching beneath the surface as he looks between the two of them if he's been held up to see them both. ]
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Date: 2023-09-07 09:04 am (UTC)He had considered it and he had understood he didn't really like it. Was there something he hadn't done enough of, some effort he'd been lacking? Hadn't he come to think he loved them? Hadn't he said he wanted them, too?
But - why is he even wondering? He closes his mouth. Of course there was some shortage here; he is not made up of very much. The same way he thought he'd been doing an all right enough job with drowning, with dealing with pain - it just went around upsetting people. By the standards of someone empty, he must surely be trying hard. But by the standards of any other - maybe not so much. Tylor had a good eye. He would know, if Mithrun was trying hard enough.
And if that's what Tylor sees - if that's what Hani sees, too - then Mithrun thinks he can't convince them. What can he say? "I'm sorry, you're in love with a tenth of a person - my love and my effort will only ever be a tenth of yours"? He hadn't told them to leave him alone, he hadn't told them to leave his house - though he thinks that's about to change. He just - said he wanted something.
Ah.
No, that was it. It's been so long that he forgot - that this is the tax, the cost. If you want one thing, the rest just ends up going away. He'd forgotten, he forgot.
His gaze had held on Tylor, but he finally seems to give up on finding something to say. It slides to Hani, his lips a frown. )
... Go back to Santa Monica, Hani. I'll talk another time.
( With either of them. He's not cutting them off. But he's saying not right now. )
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Date: 2023-09-07 09:44 am (UTC)and that’s an expression they’ve yet to see from justy. hani’s hand moves from their bruised neck to their lips, self-soothing (why? from who?), and they glance at mithrun, an unconscious gesture. is this an expression he knows?
no, it doesn’t look like it.
every word that spills out of justy surprises them even further. they swallow their own words as they listen, each syllable goes down like glass, only to be buried in hot sand.
now look at us.
(but maybe… maybe we hadn’t been looking closely enough before, blinded by love as we were.)
have they all decided on hurting as an answer at this point? did mithrun hold his neck in a caress or a clamp? was justy right about this point at least?
they don’t know. and because they don’t know, obedience has them nod at mithrun, keenly feeling the stiffness settle in, aware that the next day the pain will be worse. what about the other hurts…? ]
… Don’t change who you are. [ are the words they repeat to mithrun, the ones that come up first. not the only ones, however: ] Justy-kun seems to have more to say, so you can at least listen if you don’t want to talk. Just one more minute for him.
[ they press a kiss to two fingers and tap the screen twice. i’ve listened, my heart, i’ll see you soon. all that’s left to do is to hand the phone back, and leave. ]
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Date: 2023-09-07 10:36 am (UTC)There's nothing else to say now. But Hani is handing the phone over and disappearing from the frame. And for a beat, a glance, all Tylor does is take a deep breath and deflates. Relaxes, really, back against hot brick in a cramped alleyway.
They're both drained. All three, really, but Tylor doesn't think there is anything else to be gained today talking to Morgan. They'd said what they meant. And here they are now. Hani will want his call next, he figures.
It's easy for him to sound warm again after all of that. As if he hadn't been upset moments before, he offers Morgan a smile. A return to form, habit more than deeply penetrating calm. It'd be easy to prod him back to raw emotion. But for now it is placid. ]
It's really unfair, how beautiful you still look.
[ He would brush Morgan's hair back if he could, his finger even twitches with the unsatisfied urge. ]
I'm going to call you later, if that's alright. But remember to drink some water and get enough sleep, okay?
[ He will give Morgan time to hang up before he does, time he spends soaking in the moment he has to peacefully, quietly, look over his face. ]
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Date: 2023-09-07 10:53 am (UTC)He knows this is his fault. We were so happy before - yes, he does that; he leaves things a little worse off, maybe. But he doesn't know if he feels regret, he doesn't know if he feels particular mind. They would have been better off if he remained as he was, wanting nothing and hedging toward needs every now and again, but ultimately pliable. But he is changing, whether he likes it or not (he doesn't).
He looks at the phone in his hand, he looks at Tylor on the little screen, the burden heavier than it feels like it should be. )
... All right.
( He doesn't make it clear what he's agreeing to, but he agrees. )
See you.
( It almost seems like there's more he intends to say, but, after a moment, he doesn't, this time. He leaves it alone, the matter done, the blood spilt, and hangs up.
Hani and Tylor would have each other, and they could find some other third eventually. One who spoke their same secret language, who - was maybe, a little bit more whole. And then things would be fine with them, again.
Life goes on. He just needs to focus on his goal, and his life will stay clean and simple - surely, surely, surely. )