[ don’t wait? well, they can do that but not in the way he means -
outside in the living room, hani’s phone sits. screen lit up for no-one -
inside mithrun’s second bedroom, there’s a light, ghostly touch at mithrun’s ankle. cool fingers meeting a small hand. the edge of a thumb running up and down the ridge of the alluring bone there, smoothing skin and scar.
then another hand joins, on the knee of his other leg. feeling, coaxing, dipping into the warm crevice. open, please, just a little. a small space is all they need.
to bite into the meat of his inner thigh, right next to where their hand soothes the wrong spot of skin. lips mouth up, seeking another bite, which they take intimately, where the skin is tender, mouthwatering and delicate. this one draws blood. it’s lapped up, a careless once-over. not an apology. there’s no apologizing for a good drink.
it must feel weird to be touched in-game in one way, and out of it in a completely different way. though the intent behind both touches are the same. need and want. is it distracting? constantly feeling something else, something other when his focus should be elsewhere? see, asks sly curling nails, this is what you make me feel. this is me, waiting. and you ask me to stop?
impossible.
these feelings were made for you. they call out your name. ]
[ Tylor can't help it, the bottomless well of love he has for others. But it's never been this, the feeling clawing its way out of his chest with the burn of wanting to become one from two, and three. Forever and ever.
He's never wanted to stay so closely bonded with anyone before now. Double, triple bonds between atoms where he was used to being only one. Had he learned his lesson? About grief and wanting and asking someone to stay? No. But he never was one to think things through fully either.
The present is where he lives, and it's a good thing this is somewhat of an alley, easily spied if someone walked past or stopped at just the right angle to peer between buildings. But Tylor hadn't planned any of this. He is too caught up in the feeling, the heat, the grief, the loss; Hani prying him open too deeply left it all melding with desire and love. The deep vein, almost painful when mined and poured into the mold of his heart. His own still beats heavy, his breathing shuddering, when he pulls away to gasp at the digital air between them.
His eyes are dazed, glossy with no sign of tears. Warmth, love, need, and pain.
He still can't ask him to stay, can't form the words about need or wanting to be needed. Those are still scary spectres that fate taunts him with. But forever? Hani and him spoke of fate and forever and love.
This... this he wants to know, even if the answer might hurt. For once, he braces and asks anyway-- ]
Do you love me?
[ Tylor's fingers tighten again before they go gentle, sweeping a thumb over Morgan's lip. ]
( Tylor's metronome, he thinks, *is familiar... phone tagging...
Ah,
He lets out a sharp gasp out of time with Tylor's kiss, breath warm against Tylor's tongue; that was - it takes him some blurred moments to realize it hadn't been Tylor who bit his thigh (somehow), but someone outside the game. Hani - Hani; his legs jerk vulnerable under the bite, a gasp escaping his lips in reality. He can't focus on them long, though, the way Tylor kisses him like he's carving his name into his lips, as if his body and affection weren't enough.
He swallows - both in Fragment and where he lies down in the real world, his hand twitching like he wants to do - something, before his fingers curl sharply into the cushion below him the way it's curled that much more sharply into Tylor's armor. He can't - manage both; it's like trying to do two different motions with your hands. But trying to be conscious of - both? his body leaves him twice as vulnerable to both sources of sensation, and Tylor's teased him enough before that he already feels tender to the touch. He feels both sides both at once, stuttering and overwhelming, the sensation amplified.
And then there's Tylor's face, with all its love and tenderness and feeling - Mithrun inhales, his breath shaky, his head muggy. He thinks - when Tylor asks, they're also asking him to stay, for the first time.
Does he love him? )
... I—...
( He feels the second, phantom bite sinking somewhere more sensitive, and the slight echo of nails after - ah, he slides down a little against the stone wall, Tylor's thumb against his lip feeling warmer than it ought.
Does he want to be with him? )
... Is the well... of your love, infinite?
( And there is something wanting in his heated expression here - something needing. Something knowing he's asking things he better not ask, because - unlike Tylor, he knows the answers.
Tylor's heart is too big for his body. Hani doesn't supersede Mithrun. But they must also be there. At least two to keep Tylor steady, in the most stable shape. At least. )
[ would that they could hold mithrun’s hands right now as they watch them bunch around fabric (or maybe its actually justy, sweetness and sorrow, so small in their hands sometimes - does mithrun know?) but hani only has so many hands for the feast that is mithrun’s body. so they must be deliberate with each taste.
that last bite had been especially delicious. mithrun’s shorts are hitched out of the way, just slightly, just enough for hani to tongue the line of where the angles meet so prettily. where there’s no meat, only bone under thin milky skin. their teeth come down upon it anyway, gnawing with some pull, the bite itself small and sharp.
a little angry? a little annoyed?
they must be, hani realizes with a breath. why - ah, because mithrun hadn’t given them the chance to shake their head no; to say they’re unable to promise what he’s demanding; to tell him honestly that their waiting doesn’t think what he means.
to explain… about drowning.
they nip his belly through his shirt. stubborn, lovely boy. silly, if he thinks hani can love the two most beautiful beings in this universe and give up on either.
in their mind, they know it’s been more than a minute and they hope that’s justy’s doing. maybe somehow their hearts resonated, brittle crackles of need and want meeting in desperate, heated explosions. the rhythm of it all like the sound of two hearts beating for one. ]
[ It's the truth, simple and clean, spoken like the chime of a bell without a care for how far the sound may carry. But it's the reverberation that runs deep, the echo of a deeper sound that rumbles bones.
Tylor moves as the bell sounds, both hands falling without falling away. As if parting from even some warmth of Morgan might be painful. Sliding over event skin and down to the back of his thighs, Tylor is bent, lips pressing tenderly at his neck as he moves to lift Morgan up; to trap him sweetly, groundlessly, just once. To sweep him off his feet with the help of the building behind him. And Hani, impatient as Tylor knows them to be, in reailty.
Pinned between sturdy building and broad body, the contrast of heat and chill, Tylor inhales of him deeply before going on more quietly without a delay. The vulnerability is there again, creeping into his soft voice and prickling at his skin. His heart trends erratic, rare and imperfect. ]
But, I've never loved anyone like you. Like Hani. I'm happy, like this. With you, with them. Just two.
[ A brittle pause, a heart laid more bare as it ever has been before. A peach, easily ripped to shreds never to reform exactly the same again. The uncertainty makes this more of a terrifying leap than Hani. But he'd glimpsed the cliff without Morgan's hand in his. Twice, it feels now. And he refuses to live with any regrets. He'd honor his parents that much, to live his life as fully as he could. Even when the unknown was less fun.
He ends, rephrasing more steadily and reaching for Morgan's hand. ]
( Ah, ah— He swallows, his heel on the couch sliding in; a slow reflex. His thigh presses up against Hani. It's hard to focus his senses between Hani and Tylor - Hani needling him, Tylor caressing him, both feeling like they've got him pinned, and he's letting them. He brushes a hand carelessly across the cushion, his fingers brushing against Hani's cheek before they finally find Hani's hair, just - curling in lightly, neither telling them to stop, nor continue. Acknowledgment, in the same way they hold on to Tylor, as he keeps him lifted up.
Maybe, a little, he presses Hani's head against him, even with all their irritation, in the same his grip on Tylor shifts so it's curled in around his neck, keeping Tylor close.
He likes this. He likes Hani's frustration, he likes Tylor's tenderness; he likes when they try to get him to understand in ways that are foreign to him, in a language he doesn't speak, but tries to pick up. Patchwork phrases and gestures, nearly gibberish, but they're good with him, patient with him.
He likes that they're sincere. He likes, selfishly, that they love him. And he likes how it feels to like them.
It's nice. It's like a meadow. It's like a sunny day.
Just, )
... Tylor... Hani—
( They both hear that - a slowing murmur of both their names, like he's holding onto it. But the rest comes just for Tylor, because he can't keep track of both his bodies, both worlds.
There's a hand tangled in Hani's hair, and there is the hand curled curls into Tylor's back - it shifts up, palm spreading up along Tylor's neck, a caress that shifts along his shoulder, then jaw - and it cups his face. )
... I want... I want— both of you. I'm... happy, with both of you.
( And it's so much, to want. It's heavy, and sickening, and dizzying, and - empty. Love is a starving agent, it is a need, and - more than anything, it's knowing so acutely what you cannot have.
Like here. )
... But... not at once. Not at the same time.
( Because he is selfish, because he is hungry, because - when wanting, this is what he is. He can't have his plate and let someone have something off it. He can't lay there on the serving dish and be taken apart by a dozen hands, vulture-esque. Not if he loves. To those whom he is indifferent - yes, eat. Have as much of him as you like, because he does not want them, they do not want him.
But love? Love leaves him starving. Love makes him selfish. And he can't share that. He doesn't think anyone can change his answer now that he's learned it, now that he's coming into himself. And that's - that's the problem with only ever being himself. He can't fit right with other people. And maybe he's always been that way, ever since the accident.
He brushes Tylor's cheek, then cups it just slightly more firmly.
He exhales soft through his lips, knowing the coming feeling of loss.
He looks at him, his lips pursed tight, like it hurts. )
[ Tylor holds his breath, patient as hope swells. It lives in his eyes, encouraged by Morgan's caress and blooming beautifully to his words. And yet, there is something wrong. Something empty and heavy at the same time settling in the pit of his stomach. The words could've stopped there and he would've melted into Morgan with wild thoughts of the present and future.
It would've been easier to swallow without the preamble, the words lifting him just high enough that he feels wind knocked from his lungs at the hidden descent by the end.
This feeling is not new. Sudden loss after lingering uncertainty, so thick that he's not sure whether to cling to Morgan or break away from him. He could log out, leave his phone, and go walking until his legs gave out. His reaction this time, that is what is new. The burn behind his eyes hurts. It's mildly terrifying, dizzying. From glossy to welling, he blinks them away, his eyelids flutter as his whole body shudders with the effort to stay on his feet. The tremble in his knees makes him grateful for the wall.
But through its journey through hope, a brief flash of joy, and the plummeting of loss, his gaze has remained on Morgan's. And his smile is as genuine as ever even as he sniffs softly and slowly shakes his head no in Morgan's hand. ]
No, don't be sorry. I'm happy you're being honest. [ His smile wobbles, held up by splintering timber as his voice cracks with it. He wants to tell him his happiness matters more, because it does. He wants to tell him he's happy for him and that he live the way he likes--
The shift is sudden, reckless, and for once Tylor is a little selfish in the throes of grief for his heart. In part, for Hani's sake, and in part for Morgan's too.
His hand iron girding as he reaches for Morgan's face again in turn. There's intensity here, fire licking at the timbers of his own heart without the feral kisses this time. As if looking this closely, he might see more than Morgan can himself. ]
But really, you don't have to decide now. Because, [ He blinks them back harder, looking genuinely upset for once. Like he isn't sure whether to be angry or sad, a choked -- ] I don't think you understand.
[ And here is the intensity again, full volume without wavering-- ]
I'm never going to stop loving you, you know? And I don't regret any of it, not a single moment. But there's no going back for me. I'm never going to forget what you feel like or how you taste, every expression you've ever made. How smart and beautiful and funny you are. It's all a part of me now.
Whatever you choose, I meant it when I said I want you to be happy more than anything. But a piece of me is going with you and I can't just send you off that easy-- with a smile and "be happy"-- I'm sure I would've, before. But now, I-- after all of this, will I still matter to you? Did I ever? [ He moves to press their foreheads together with another tremble, to ground himself and feel less like he's suddenly tail spinning.
He knows the answer, it's obvious in the flimsy way he asks and the way the tension snaps only to leave his heart mush on the pavement-- ]
There's no part of you that wants to try, to even give us a chance, is there?
[ For Morgan, he resists making a joke. Which only makes it harder to stay logged in. He doesn't even sound like himself when he tacks on, broken and croaky and barely audible-- ] To stay.
( Tylor has his weight, and he lets him have it, and he lets him have it because he had thought at any time Tylor could drop him, would drop him, if it ever became too much of a burden to carry, but
breezy as he seems, he thinks now maybe Tylor isn't sure how to let go, in all things.
He cups Tylor with his other hand. He's cupping his face tight and close, like he's something precious, because he is, and there's an irony in only really getting it when he's about to part with it, and he feels that - when his hands leave him, that's it, he'll have let him go, and that will be that. There will be this hand-drawn boundary between them. And,
he feels hungrier knowing it, seeing how it runs fault lines along Tylor's face, tremors in his voice.
He'd asked Hani once - if there can be value in the worry that comes with love. Ravenous and stressful and endlessly wanting. They felt there was - at least, that's what they said then, the way Mithrun asked it. But Mithrun here now, at the precipice of fear and hunger, he doesn't know if there's value, he doesn't know if every lovely meadow was worth this twisting in his stomach, that much worse with every syllable slipping from Tylor's lips.
He knows Tylor doesn't ask people to stay. He knows this very well. )
... I think... I wanted you to ask me sooner. I wanted you to ask only me.
( To stay.
He didn't have the words then. He didn't know, so he couldn't ask, so he doesn't - blame Tylor. He doesn't blame Hani. On this point, he feels empty. Lack of desire to blame, lack of desire to resent, a lack of desire to do anything but love - he hasn't gotten any further than that. He's only found this feeling. The rest, he doesn't know, he doesn't know how to want. He's just—
he doesn't know the name for this. He hasn't felt this in so long. He hadn't felt this even before the accident. He doesn't know its name.
He thumbs the corner of Tylor's eyes, like he's crying, even though he's not. Not where Mithrun can see, he guesses. )
... I can't forget the things you gave me. This wanting, this lacking... it's shaped like you.
( Tylor will matter, no matter what Mithrun comes to want about it.
Breaking things off with someone when you still love them is harder than breaking things off when you don't. That's how it feels, that's how it seems. It's a little worse knowing he'll always be a permanent resident in Tylor's heart.
There's no changing where fate takes us. Sometimes, it's the only way to learn more about yourself. You'll know how to ask sooner next time.
[ Tylor breathes the words from his very soul, like he's coming back to himself. Each one brightening as he goes. Green growth among muted rubble, a slow walk into a happy and energetic sprint. His hands move to take Morgan's weight as he shifts to let Morgan's feet find the ground again as Tylor moves to step back.
Dry eyed and smiling like normal again, he leans to press a playful kiss to Morgan's forehead. ]
It's alright. Don't feel sad or lacking, we're still friends aren't we? And we sure had a lot of fun.
[ He ruffles Morgan's hair. ] Oh, and never forget that you're loved, okay M&M?
[ And then he's gone. Logged out. And by the time he's back at his phone he is still smiling. ]
Wow, sorry. That took way more than a minute!
Edited (I THOUGHT I FIXED THE SPACING THE FIRST TIME /WEEPS) Date: 2023-09-07 01:08 am (UTC)
( He sets his weight down, finally, the both of them a little late. The ruffle at his hair near stings, as does what he says finally, as does his cutesy nickname. He swallows, looking up, his lips parting, )
... Tylor, I—
( But he's a little too late again. Tylor's gone.
Standing there in the alley for a little bit longer, he feels what he said to Oria not so long ago: when the other person is gone, there's only you, and the choices you made. And these were all choices - even if he didn't realize them at the time.
He logs off, and the headset powers down - no longer lit up; making it clear that it's off - but he doesn't move or sit up from where he is, he doesn't take it off. He just stays there, even as Tylor's voice comes in cheerful from Hani's phone.
[ and hani, still held against mithrun, knows something has happened from the way he is so still, offering nothing; from justy’s voice sounds over the phone, that wretchedly sincere tone. that forbidden word.
they push up and away, reluctant and the way their hands linger says as much. ]
One minute.
[ light pads to the living room, and on the other end of the halo of light is justy. smiling. beloved as always, hani would rip out their own heart before they told him to stop, but why that smile? why now? ]
Not that. “I love you,” is what you should say. And I love you is what I’m saying to you right now. [ they reach out to touch the screen, tracing the shape of him. it curves like a smile because of course it does. ] I need more than a minute with him. Let me have it?
[ they put all of their heart into a smile for him and end the call without another word. they don’t want to hear how sincere he is right now.
the smile drops. hani feels hot and cold. humid in the middle of a summer storm, their feelings sweep against them, crashing against the edges of this human cut-out. paper-thin, whipping in the wind, but refusing to tear.
they glide back into the second room, the ghost of love present. ]
( Mithrun is quiet, but at least he doesn't hesitate, even as he senses the storm he had so insisted Hani become. When he speaks, he speaks crisply, and without regret. )
... He asked if I could be happy with the two of you. If I wanted him, and you.
[ tone deceptively light; the steps hani takes are slow, deliberate, and in their wake bloom flowers that trail dew drops and thorns on a field of endless water. they close the distance as the water rises, climbing back on top of mithrun as if ushered there by gentle, dark waves.
[ that gets a grim little smile as they casually work to remove his headset. hani knew the words existed in justy, they knew. they’re proud he said it.
they also knew the first yes and the second and the third. so what’s left is… ]
No and no? Because you only want one, even when you want both?
( He's not good enough to be pleased when he sees Hani and Tylor melt into each other. He sees it and he sees Niamh and his brother, he hears Sylvain's awkward apologies, he remembers - the professor's kind and gentle reminders: It's such a pity you're so full of love, Morgan; all this love, but they have so much more to offer others, and you have so, so little... )
Just someone who can keep their eyes on me.
( And that may be neither of them. That may be nobody at all. Because he's asking them to eat dinner scraps and forgo a whole meal. Of course they'd need a second person there - they'd have to scrape the scraps onto a fuller plate.
But that's the problem with wanting: all of this comes back. )
Do you honestly think what you can get with one person will ever satisfy you? Are you even made to be satiated by one person? You’ll never be lacking again? [ they dark eyes are on him right now, reflecting only him, the only light glints from the sweep of their lashes. ] That two could not fill you up until you overflow and demand more, not for the lack of it, but for the thrill of wanting?
[ the questions are frank, callous in their curiosity. ]
Justy is the first person I’ve ever been in love with. And then there’s you. No one else. I’m so angry with you right now, and I love you so much.
[ and to preemptively clear any misunderstandings: ]
Not because you said no, but earlier you didn’t let me speak. I love you even when you say no, I wonder if you know.
I’ll never love anyone else the way I love Justy. And I’ll never love anyone the way I love you - not Justy, no one. I can say, honestly, that there’s no one I love more than you because I can’t love anyone in the same way.
[ hani sits in the middle of murky water, on a raft made of a broken beautiful boy and it leaks. they could sink - (i love you. do you? do you?) - and maybe they are sinking already, the roses remain floating but the briars fall like ribbons into the water attached to the head of a monster called love.
and still, they want it.
hani grabs his face in a caress, delicate and savage as their thumb presses into where they’d left the bite. some things cannot help but be felt even when our mouths say otherwise. and this is just everything they want to say. ]
You would starve to drown when I can drown you now. And I have - drowned him. I pulled him down and tore out his heart and his lungs and all the things he dared to hide. I held him down until he struggled. And he was so beautiful, Morgan. [ a monster, a monster. thumb digging in more and more, tearing the bite. making it bleed anew. ] And when I finally let him up for air, it was glorious, Mithrun. He needed me to breathe.
And I’ll do it again. You said you want me, so don’t forget. [ don’t forget the shape of them. ] I’ll pull you down. I’ll crawl inside of you and I’ll devour you from the inside out with devotion. And you and I know how this hunger works. It won’t be enough, it won’t.
You think it’s too late for us to have you because we’re more than one, but it’s too late for me to leave you. Don’t change who you are. I won’t change myself either.
( Ah, that stings. It stings; he tastes it as it tears - the bitter iron in Hani's words, pumping straight from the heart. They whip about him like winds and storm feeling bigger than they are; they are so much in this moment, they are what Mithrun had wondered if they could be, they are brittle and they are this storm and he thinks maybe the waters go even deeper, deeper than he thinks. He feels for them an admiration you reserve for natural disaster. Maybe this is where Tylor tripped in, dragged down by the undertow.
What had they done with Tylor when he wasn't there? Is that why things were so different this time, when Hani spoke to Tylor over Skype? On cue, he spoke correctly. Mithrun hadn't been there to know why. Didn't he say - didn't he say not to leave him out? He'd graduated from his program and he was gripping Niamh's letters and there she was beside his brother changed, gentler than she'd been before.
I won't be with you - but keep me there. I wont say I'll stay - but love me, too. That's what he is. He likes Hani vicious, he likes Tylor vulnerable, and maybe someone more sensible would find Hani's words terrifying, what they said they'd done awful, but Mithrun is just
jealous. Jealous of the both of them. )
... If you're going to drown me, then drown me soon. I won't be around for so long. ( Tylor knows this already. Mithrun feels - overwhelmed. Unfocused, dizzy. He continues. ) Devour me until there's nothing left. I don't care about the after. You love me, don't you? With this love for only me?
[ he won’t be around? something different than leaving, something more than not staying. hani doesn’t ask where he’s going without them; why he won’t be around them for so long; and how he can bear to let his stomach eat itself by going as one out of three, or even one out of two.
hani leans in to lick the blood on his lips, tongue darting around their thumb. no one else will taste like this, they sigh. ]
Always yours, only yours. No one can touch it, no one.
[ it’s less of a promise, more of a statement. the sun sets on the city of angels, dusk painting mithrun the most beautiful creature in the world, and a siren loves him more than anything. ]
Soon.
[ this, they promise. ]
With just me? You don’t want Justy to watch you and love you as you drown? He wouldn’t even be able to look away.
( Hani's shadow casts longer than his across the wall, Mithrun sinking down back against his end of the couch. They are good at this, he understands; good at pulling people in close, good at keeping them near. Not yet, not yet - a promise to keep you going into tomorrow, and tomorrow, but he doesn't even want today. He brings up his hands to their shoulders as they lick his lips, and they slide gently up to caress either side of their neck - as if he might grab them there.
He doesn't. He doesn't, but, )
... Just you.
( He does want Tylor there, but - just Tylor. Or just Hani. Just one. If this is his like Hani says, he doesn't want to share it. He wants to keep it in his hands like a firefly, and crush it. )
... I'm going soon. ( He borrows Hani's wording, in the same way he borrows people's I love you's, I'm sorry's, and all the rest - borrows them and applies them haphazard, clumsy. ) I know I'm dying soon enough.
( Barrett said - don't. It's a choice, he doesn't have to. But - he doesn't know. He didn't promise. Right now, death feels fine. )
[ eyes closed, hani leans into his touch. this way, they can feel how steadily the raft is sinking, leaking something from the both of them. their essences mixing into the water in dying streaks. ]
Are you going alone? Why? Take one of us with you.
( He doesn't know. Does anyone, really? He can invite Death, but it will come as it comes, and he can only hope it comes when he feels he's been finally hollowed out.
(or full, if he could be, but he - cant, right?)
Hani's neck is small and slender as the rest of them, but he'd never thought how slight it was until they press it into his hands. )
... Just one?
( Gently, he puts pressure at his fingers. And then the grip is less gentle. Not a threat - not a promise - but an invitation as real as the bitter blood at his tongue, his grip that much sharper against the bruising bite he'd left for them. )
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2023-09-05 11:52 pm (UTC)outside in the living room, hani’s phone sits. screen lit up for no-one -
inside mithrun’s second bedroom, there’s a light, ghostly touch at mithrun’s ankle. cool fingers meeting a small hand. the edge of a thumb running up and down the ridge of the alluring bone there, smoothing skin and scar.
then another hand joins, on the knee of his other leg. feeling, coaxing, dipping into the warm crevice. open, please, just a little. a small space is all they need.
to bite into the meat of his inner thigh, right next to where their hand soothes the wrong spot of skin. lips mouth up, seeking another bite, which they take intimately, where the skin is tender, mouthwatering and delicate. this one draws blood. it’s lapped up, a careless once-over. not an apology. there’s no apologizing for a good drink.
it must feel weird to be touched in-game in one way, and out of it in a completely different way. though the intent behind both touches are the same. need and want. is it distracting? constantly feeling something else, something other when his focus should be elsewhere? see, asks sly curling nails, this is what you make me feel. this is me, waiting. and you ask me to stop?
impossible.
these feelings were made for you. they call out your name. ]
no subject
Date: 2023-09-06 03:32 am (UTC)He's never wanted to stay so closely bonded with anyone before now. Double, triple bonds between atoms where he was used to being only one. Had he learned his lesson? About grief and wanting and asking someone to stay? No. But he never was one to think things through fully either.
The present is where he lives, and it's a good thing this is somewhat of an alley, easily spied if someone walked past or stopped at just the right angle to peer between buildings. But Tylor hadn't planned any of this. He is too caught up in the feeling, the heat, the grief, the loss; Hani prying him open too deeply left it all melding with desire and love. The deep vein, almost painful when mined and poured into the mold of his heart. His own still beats heavy, his breathing shuddering, when he pulls away to gasp at the digital air between them.
His eyes are dazed, glossy with no sign of tears. Warmth, love, need, and pain.
He still can't ask him to stay, can't form the words about need or wanting to be needed. Those are still scary spectres that fate taunts him with. But forever? Hani and him spoke of fate and forever and love.
This... this he wants to know, even if the answer might hurt. For once, he braces and asks anyway-- ]
Do you love me?
[ Tylor's fingers tighten again before they go gentle, sweeping a thumb over Morgan's lip. ]
Do you want me, too?
no subject
Date: 2023-09-06 06:31 am (UTC)Ah,
He lets out a sharp gasp out of time with Tylor's kiss, breath warm against Tylor's tongue; that was - it takes him some blurred moments to realize it hadn't been Tylor who bit his thigh (somehow), but someone outside the game. Hani - Hani; his legs jerk vulnerable under the bite, a gasp escaping his lips in reality. He can't focus on them long, though, the way Tylor kisses him like he's carving his name into his lips, as if his body and affection weren't enough.
He swallows - both in Fragment and where he lies down in the real world, his hand twitching like he wants to do - something, before his fingers curl sharply into the cushion below him the way it's curled that much more sharply into Tylor's armor. He can't - manage both; it's like trying to do two different motions with your hands. But trying to be conscious of - both? his body leaves him twice as vulnerable to both sources of sensation, and Tylor's teased him enough before that he already feels tender to the touch. He feels both sides both at once, stuttering and overwhelming, the sensation amplified.
And then there's Tylor's face, with all its love and tenderness and feeling - Mithrun inhales, his breath shaky, his head muggy. He thinks - when Tylor asks, they're also asking him to stay, for the first time.
Does he love him? )
... I—...
( He feels the second, phantom bite sinking somewhere more sensitive, and the slight echo of nails after - ah, he slides down a little against the stone wall, Tylor's thumb against his lip feeling warmer than it ought.
Does he want to be with him? )
... Is the well... of your love, infinite?
( And there is something wanting in his heated expression here - something needing. Something knowing he's asking things he better not ask, because - unlike Tylor, he knows the answers.
Tylor's heart is too big for his body. Hani doesn't supersede Mithrun. But they must also be there. At least two to keep Tylor steady, in the most stable shape. At least. )
... Beyond me... how many people can you love?
( I'm scared to let you tame me. )
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Date: 2023-09-06 01:42 pm (UTC)that last bite had been especially delicious. mithrun’s shorts are hitched out of the way, just slightly, just enough for hani to tongue the line of where the angles meet so prettily. where there’s no meat, only bone under thin milky skin. their teeth come down upon it anyway, gnawing with some pull, the bite itself small and sharp.
a little angry? a little annoyed?
they must be, hani realizes with a breath. why - ah, because mithrun hadn’t given them the chance to shake their head no; to say they’re unable to promise what he’s demanding; to tell him honestly that their waiting doesn’t think what he means.
to explain… about drowning.
they nip his belly through his shirt. stubborn, lovely boy. silly, if he thinks hani can love the two most beautiful beings in this universe and give up on either.
in their mind, they know it’s been more than a minute and they hope that’s justy’s doing. maybe somehow their hearts resonated, brittle crackles of need and want meeting in desperate, heated explosions. the rhythm of it all like the sound of two hearts beating for one. ]
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Date: 2023-09-06 07:42 pm (UTC)[ It's the truth, simple and clean, spoken like the chime of a bell without a care for how far the sound may carry. But it's the reverberation that runs deep, the echo of a deeper sound that rumbles bones.
Tylor moves as the bell sounds, both hands falling without falling away. As if parting from even some warmth of Morgan might be painful. Sliding over event skin and down to the back of his thighs, Tylor is bent, lips pressing tenderly at his neck as he moves to lift Morgan up; to trap him sweetly, groundlessly, just once. To sweep him off his feet with the help of the building behind him. And Hani, impatient as Tylor knows them to be, in reailty.
Pinned between sturdy building and broad body, the contrast of heat and chill, Tylor inhales of him deeply before going on more quietly without a delay. The vulnerability is there again, creeping into his soft voice and prickling at his skin. His heart trends erratic, rare and imperfect. ]
But, I've never loved anyone like you. Like Hani. I'm happy, like this. With you, with them. Just two.
[ A brittle pause, a heart laid more bare as it ever has been before. A peach, easily ripped to shreds never to reform exactly the same again. The uncertainty makes this more of a terrifying leap than Hani. But he'd glimpsed the cliff without Morgan's hand in his. Twice, it feels now. And he refuses to live with any regrets. He'd honor his parents that much, to live his life as fully as he could. Even when the unknown was less fun.
He ends, rephrasing more steadily and reaching for Morgan's hand. ]
Would that make you happy, too?
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Date: 2023-09-06 11:00 pm (UTC)Maybe, a little, he presses Hani's head against him, even with all their irritation, in the same his grip on Tylor shifts so it's curled in around his neck, keeping Tylor close.
He likes this. He likes Hani's frustration, he likes Tylor's tenderness; he likes when they try to get him to understand in ways that are foreign to him, in a language he doesn't speak, but tries to pick up. Patchwork phrases and gestures, nearly gibberish, but they're good with him, patient with him.
He likes that they're sincere. He likes, selfishly, that they love him. And he likes how it feels to like them.
It's nice. It's like a meadow. It's like a sunny day.
Just, )
... Tylor... Hani—
( They both hear that - a slowing murmur of both their names, like he's holding onto it. But the rest comes just for Tylor, because he can't keep track of both his bodies, both worlds.
There's a hand tangled in Hani's hair, and there is the hand curled curls into Tylor's back - it shifts up, palm spreading up along Tylor's neck, a caress that shifts along his shoulder, then jaw - and it cups his face. )
... I want... I want— both of you. I'm... happy, with both of you.
( And it's so much, to want. It's heavy, and sickening, and dizzying, and - empty. Love is a starving agent, it is a need, and - more than anything, it's knowing so acutely what you cannot have.
Like here. )
... But... not at once. Not at the same time.
( Because he is selfish, because he is hungry, because - when wanting, this is what he is. He can't have his plate and let someone have something off it. He can't lay there on the serving dish and be taken apart by a dozen hands, vulture-esque. Not if he loves. To those whom he is indifferent - yes, eat. Have as much of him as you like, because he does not want them, they do not want him.
But love? Love leaves him starving. Love makes him selfish. And he can't share that. He doesn't think anyone can change his answer now that he's learned it, now that he's coming into himself. And that's - that's the problem with only ever being himself. He can't fit right with other people. And maybe he's always been that way, ever since the accident.
He brushes Tylor's cheek, then cups it just slightly more firmly.
He exhales soft through his lips, knowing the coming feeling of loss.
He looks at him, his lips pursed tight, like it hurts. )
... I'm sorry.
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Date: 2023-09-07 12:12 am (UTC)It would've been easier to swallow without the preamble, the words lifting him just high enough that he feels wind knocked from his lungs at the hidden descent by the end.
This feeling is not new. Sudden loss after lingering uncertainty, so thick that he's not sure whether to cling to Morgan or break away from him. He could log out, leave his phone, and go walking until his legs gave out. His reaction this time, that is what is new. The burn behind his eyes hurts. It's mildly terrifying, dizzying. From glossy to welling, he blinks them away, his eyelids flutter as his whole body shudders with the effort to stay on his feet. The tremble in his knees makes him grateful for the wall.
But through its journey through hope, a brief flash of joy, and the plummeting of loss, his gaze has remained on Morgan's. And his smile is as genuine as ever even as he sniffs softly and slowly shakes his head no in Morgan's hand. ]
No, don't be sorry. I'm happy you're being honest. [ His smile wobbles, held up by splintering timber as his voice cracks with it. He wants to tell him his happiness matters more, because it does. He wants to tell him he's happy for him and that he live the way he likes--
The shift is sudden, reckless, and for once Tylor is a little selfish in the throes of grief for his heart. In part, for Hani's sake, and in part for Morgan's too.
His hand iron girding as he reaches for Morgan's face again in turn. There's intensity here, fire licking at the timbers of his own heart without the feral kisses this time. As if looking this closely, he might see more than Morgan can himself. ]
But really, you don't have to decide now. Because, [ He blinks them back harder, looking genuinely upset for once. Like he isn't sure whether to be angry or sad, a choked -- ] I don't think you understand.
[ And here is the intensity again, full volume without wavering-- ]
I'm never going to stop loving you, you know? And I don't regret any of it, not a single moment. But there's no going back for me. I'm never going to forget what you feel like or how you taste, every expression you've ever made. How smart and beautiful and funny you are. It's all a part of me now.
Whatever you choose, I meant it when I said I want you to be happy more than anything. But a piece of me is going with you and I can't just send you off that easy-- with a smile and "be happy"-- I'm sure I would've, before. But now, I-- after all of this, will I still matter to you? Did I ever? [ He moves to press their foreheads together with another tremble, to ground himself and feel less like he's suddenly tail spinning.
He knows the answer, it's obvious in the flimsy way he asks and the way the tension snaps only to leave his heart mush on the pavement-- ]
There's no part of you that wants to try, to even give us a chance, is there?
[ For Morgan, he resists making a joke. Which only makes it harder to stay logged in. He doesn't even sound like himself when he tacks on, broken and croaky and barely audible-- ] To stay.
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Date: 2023-09-07 12:53 am (UTC)breezy as he seems, he thinks now maybe Tylor isn't sure how to let go, in all things.
He cups Tylor with his other hand. He's cupping his face tight and close, like he's something precious, because he is, and there's an irony in only really getting it when he's about to part with it, and he feels that - when his hands leave him, that's it, he'll have let him go, and that will be that. There will be this hand-drawn boundary between them. And,
he feels hungrier knowing it, seeing how it runs fault lines along Tylor's face, tremors in his voice.
He'd asked Hani once - if there can be value in the worry that comes with love. Ravenous and stressful and endlessly wanting. They felt there was - at least, that's what they said then, the way Mithrun asked it. But Mithrun here now, at the precipice of fear and hunger, he doesn't know if there's value, he doesn't know if every lovely meadow was worth this twisting in his stomach, that much worse with every syllable slipping from Tylor's lips.
He knows Tylor doesn't ask people to stay. He knows this very well. )
... I think... I wanted you to ask me sooner. I wanted you to ask only me.
( To stay.
He didn't have the words then. He didn't know, so he couldn't ask, so he doesn't - blame Tylor. He doesn't blame Hani. On this point, he feels empty. Lack of desire to blame, lack of desire to resent, a lack of desire to do anything but love - he hasn't gotten any further than that. He's only found this feeling. The rest, he doesn't know, he doesn't know how to want. He's just—
he doesn't know the name for this. He hasn't felt this in so long. He hadn't felt this even before the accident. He doesn't know its name.
He thumbs the corner of Tylor's eyes, like he's crying, even though he's not. Not where Mithrun can see, he guesses. )
... I can't forget the things you gave me. This wanting, this lacking... it's shaped like you.
( Tylor will matter, no matter what Mithrun comes to want about it.
Breaking things off with someone when you still love them is harder than breaking things off when you don't. That's how it feels, that's how it seems. It's a little worse knowing he'll always be a permanent resident in Tylor's heart.
He had been so sure this would be easier.
... )
... Hani is waiting.
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Date: 2023-09-07 01:06 am (UTC)[ Tylor breathes the words from his very soul, like he's coming back to himself. Each one brightening as he goes. Green growth among muted rubble, a slow walk into a happy and energetic sprint. His hands move to take Morgan's weight as he shifts to let Morgan's feet find the ground again as Tylor moves to step back.
Dry eyed and smiling like normal again, he leans to press a playful kiss to Morgan's forehead. ]
It's alright. Don't feel sad or lacking, we're still friends aren't we? And we sure had a lot of fun.
[ He ruffles Morgan's hair. ] Oh, and never forget that you're loved, okay M&M?
[ And then he's gone. Logged out. And by the time he's back at his phone he is still smiling. ]
Wow, sorry. That took way more than a minute!
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Date: 2023-09-07 01:19 am (UTC)... Tylor, I—
( But he's a little too late again. Tylor's gone.
Standing there in the alley for a little bit longer, he feels what he said to Oria not so long ago: when the other person is gone, there's only you, and the choices you made. And these were all choices - even if he didn't realize them at the time.
He logs off, and the headset powers down - no longer lit up; making it clear that it's off - but he doesn't move or sit up from where he is, he doesn't take it off. He just stays there, even as Tylor's voice comes in cheerful from Hani's phone.
He's quiet. )
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Date: 2023-09-07 01:52 am (UTC)they push up and away, reluctant and the way their hands linger says as much. ]
One minute.
[ light pads to the living room, and on the other end of the halo of light is justy. smiling. beloved as always, hani would rip out their own heart before they told him to stop, but why that smile? why now? ]
Not that. “I love you,” is what you should say. And I love you is what I’m saying to you right now. [ they reach out to touch the screen, tracing the shape of him. it curves like a smile because of course it does. ] I need more than a minute with him. Let me have it?
[ they put all of their heart into a smile for him and end the call without another word. they don’t want to hear how sincere he is right now.
the smile drops. hani feels hot and cold. humid in the middle of a summer storm, their feelings sweep against them, crashing against the edges of this human cut-out. paper-thin, whipping in the wind, but refusing to tear.
they glide back into the second room, the ghost of love present. ]
Tell me?
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Date: 2023-09-07 01:56 am (UTC)[ And he will wait patiently when Hani walks away. Patiently with a lot of sake. ]
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Date: 2023-09-07 01:57 am (UTC)... He asked if I could be happy with the two of you. If I wanted him, and you.
I said I wanted both, but not both at once.
( But he stays lying where he is. )
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Date: 2023-09-07 02:12 am (UTC)[ tone deceptively light; the steps hani takes are slow, deliberate, and in their wake bloom flowers that trail dew drops and thorns on a field of endless water. they close the distance as the water rises, climbing back on top of mithrun as if ushered there by gentle, dark waves.
even a tsunami starts off gentle. ]
Did he ask anything else?
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Date: 2023-09-07 02:23 am (UTC)[ that gets a grim little smile as they casually work to remove his headset. hani knew the words existed in justy, they knew. they’re proud he said it.
they also knew the first yes and the second and the third. so what’s left is… ]
No and no? Because you only want one, even when you want both?
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Date: 2023-09-07 02:32 am (UTC)... Just one at a time.
( He's not good enough to be pleased when he sees Hani and Tylor melt into each other. He sees it and he sees Niamh and his brother, he hears Sylvain's awkward apologies, he remembers - the professor's kind and gentle reminders: It's such a pity you're so full of love, Morgan; all this love, but they have so much more to offer others, and you have so, so little... )
Just someone who can keep their eyes on me.
( And that may be neither of them. That may be nobody at all. Because he's asking them to eat dinner scraps and forgo a whole meal. Of course they'd need a second person there - they'd have to scrape the scraps onto a fuller plate.
But that's the problem with wanting: all of this comes back. )
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Date: 2023-09-07 02:45 am (UTC)[ the questions are frank, callous in their curiosity. ]
Justy is the first person I’ve ever been in love with. And then there’s you. No one else. I’m so angry with you right now, and I love you so much.
[ and to preemptively clear any misunderstandings: ]
Not because you said no, but earlier you didn’t let me speak. I love you even when you say no, I wonder if you know.
I’ll never love anyone else the way I love Justy. And I’ll never love anyone the way I love you - not Justy, no one. I can say, honestly, that there’s no one I love more than you because I can’t love anyone in the same way.
This love has your name on it. It’s made for one.
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Date: 2023-09-07 04:03 am (UTC)[ hani sits in the middle of murky water, on a raft made of a broken beautiful boy and it leaks. they could sink - (i love you. do you? do you?) - and maybe they are sinking already, the roses remain floating but the briars fall like ribbons into the water attached to the head of a monster called love.
and still, they want it.
hani grabs his face in a caress, delicate and savage as their thumb presses into where they’d left the bite. some things cannot help but be felt even when our mouths say otherwise. and this is just everything they want to say. ]
You would starve to drown when I can drown you now. And I have - drowned him. I pulled him down and tore out his heart and his lungs and all the things he dared to hide. I held him down until he struggled. And he was so beautiful, Morgan. [ a monster, a monster. thumb digging in more and more, tearing the bite. making it bleed anew. ] And when I finally let him up for air, it was glorious, Mithrun. He needed me to breathe.
And I’ll do it again. You said you want me, so don’t forget. [ don’t forget the shape of them. ] I’ll pull you down. I’ll crawl inside of you and I’ll devour you from the inside out with devotion. And you and I know how this hunger works. It won’t be enough, it won’t.
You think it’s too late for us to have you because we’re more than one, but it’s too late for me to leave you. Don’t change who you are. I won’t change myself either.
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Date: 2023-09-07 04:32 am (UTC)What had they done with Tylor when he wasn't there? Is that why things were so different this time, when Hani spoke to Tylor over Skype? On cue, he spoke correctly. Mithrun hadn't been there to know why. Didn't he say - didn't he say not to leave him out? He'd graduated from his program and he was gripping Niamh's letters and there she was beside his brother changed, gentler than she'd been before.
I won't be with you - but keep me there. I wont say I'll stay - but love me, too. That's what he is. He likes Hani vicious, he likes Tylor vulnerable, and maybe someone more sensible would find Hani's words terrifying, what they said they'd done awful, but Mithrun is just
jealous. Jealous of the both of them. )
... If you're going to drown me, then drown me soon. I won't be around for so long. ( Tylor knows this already. Mithrun feels - overwhelmed. Unfocused, dizzy. He continues. ) Devour me until there's nothing left. I don't care about the after. You love me, don't you? With this love for only me?
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Date: 2023-09-07 05:12 am (UTC)[ he won’t be around? something different than leaving, something more than not staying. hani doesn’t ask where he’s going without them; why he won’t be around them for so long; and how he can bear to let his stomach eat itself by going as one out of three, or even one out of two.
hani leans in to lick the blood on his lips, tongue darting around their thumb. no one else will taste like this, they sigh. ]
Always yours, only yours. No one can touch it, no one.
[ it’s less of a promise, more of a statement. the sun sets on the city of angels, dusk painting mithrun the most beautiful creature in the world, and a siren loves him more than anything. ]
Soon.
[ this, they promise. ]
With just me? You don’t want Justy to watch you and love you as you drown? He wouldn’t even be able to look away.
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Date: 2023-09-07 05:35 am (UTC)He doesn't. He doesn't, but, )
... Just you.
( He does want Tylor there, but - just Tylor. Or just Hani. Just one. If this is his like Hani says, he doesn't want to share it. He wants to keep it in his hands like a firefly, and crush it. )
... I'm going soon. ( He borrows Hani's wording, in the same way he borrows people's I love you's, I'm sorry's, and all the rest - borrows them and applies them haphazard, clumsy. ) I know I'm dying soon enough.
( Barrett said - don't. It's a choice, he doesn't have to. But - he doesn't know. He didn't promise. Right now, death feels fine. )
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Date: 2023-09-07 05:55 am (UTC)How soon is soon?
[ eyes closed, hani leans into his touch. this way, they can feel how steadily the raft is sinking, leaking something from the both of them. their essences mixing into the water in dying streaks. ]
Are you going alone? Why? Take one of us with you.
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Date: 2023-09-07 06:01 am (UTC)( He doesn't know. Does anyone, really? He can invite Death, but it will come as it comes, and he can only hope it comes when he feels he's been finally hollowed out.
(or full, if he could be, but he - cant, right?)
Hani's neck is small and slender as the rest of them, but he'd never thought how slight it was until they press it into his hands. )
... Just one?
( Gently, he puts pressure at his fingers. And then the grip is less gentle. Not a threat - not a promise - but an invitation as real as the bitter blood at his tongue, his grip that much sharper against the bruising bite he'd left for them. )
I would take you now. Can I?
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