[ hani stares at justy’s texts for a long time. they wonder if… ]
I’m sorry. I can only let you go if you’ll be happier without me. Will you?
… But even then, I’ll stay.
[ an apology? for everything they haven’t gotten quite right. for being there to make him late for mithrun’s answer. and then for nearly leaving in mithrun’s hands.
and they wonder if… ]
I want to be worried, I think. I love you both. Would it be possible to love you both more? How?
[ and if… ]
If the both of us promised to love him and only him, would that ever be enough despite two?
you can only ever love someone as much as youre meant to. and sometimes it doesn't matter how much because they can't, or won't, ever love you back as much.
and that's alright. It's not anyones fault. we just need more time, we don't need to decide anything right now.
but i don't regret it either. we know how we all feel now, and he can say no to us no matter how much it hurts.
You’re the only one I’ll ever love this way. Should I tell you how?
[ but if mithrun came back to ask for it and only it, would they…?
they would keep a small piece, tuck it in deep, and give back the rest. let justy slip through their fingers like catching water - impossibly precious, impossible to contain. ]
I don’t regret anything. I don’t regret his truth or his wants, and I don’t regret my own. I just wish he could be happy with his choice.
Like there’s a blizzard outside that’s strangely silent. It’s beautiful and cold. It’s nice that everything feels the same out there, each little spot blanketed by snow, the details blurred together. It’s peaceful.
And then I think of you and your door opens for me without question, bringing me in from the cold. I think of you and there’s a fireplace that warms me up from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. The warm air smells like you, stealing away the frost at my breath. I fall into your cozy blankets and you cover me up and hold me close.
And then I wake up and spend another day missing you. But I’m happy.
That’s how.
I know, without words, that he’ll spend his life missing you if he goes. And you would miss him, too.
Of course, we’ll love him all the same. But I think he would like it if we could be angry, too.
hani blinks down at their phone. that… makes sense, but why hadn’t they ever considered it before? they knew that in a way already, they guess, from the way he deflects compliments. but it’s never occurred to them to summarize it like this: that justy doesn’t love himself… he had let go of his past self. hani wonders if he would let go of his current self, too, if he could.
would mithrun do both if he could? probably. give up everything to become… hollowed out? maybe, so that he didn’t have to keep disliking himself; so that he didn’t have to strain himself to like anything, to want anything like a starving creature.
and hani, who doesn’t give themself much thought, would never think to do either. ]
Then that’s more for me to cover and love, and I would do it gladly. That’s what I’ll be made for.
Yes. Please.
[ they’ll marinate about mithrun for a bit and respond to that once they’re logged in. justy will give them time, he’ll wait. ]
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no subject
Date: 2023-09-07 03:58 pm (UTC)I’m sorry. I can only let you go if you’ll be happier without me. Will you?
… But even then, I’ll stay.
[ an apology? for everything they haven’t gotten quite right. for being there to make him late for mithrun’s answer. and then for nearly leaving in mithrun’s hands.
and they wonder if… ]
I want to be worried, I think. I love you both. Would it be possible to love you both more? How?
[ and if… ]
If the both of us promised to love him and only him, would that ever be enough despite two?
no subject
Date: 2023-09-07 09:20 pm (UTC)do you want to leave too?
you can only ever love someone as much as youre meant to. and sometimes it doesn't matter how much because they can't, or won't, ever love you back as much.
and that's alright. It's not anyones fault. we just need more time, we don't need to decide anything right now.
but i don't regret it either. we know how we all feel now, and he can say no to us no matter how much it hurts.
people leave, it'll be okay.
no subject
Date: 2023-09-07 09:47 pm (UTC)You’re the only one I’ll ever love this way. Should I tell you how?
[ but if mithrun came back to ask for it and only it, would they…?
they would keep a small piece, tuck it in deep, and give back the rest. let justy slip through their fingers like catching water - impossibly precious, impossible to contain. ]
I don’t regret anything. I don’t regret his truth or his wants, and I don’t regret my own. I just wish he could be happy with his choice.
I know he’s not.
no subject
Date: 2023-09-07 10:13 pm (UTC)I don't think so either, but people have to make their own decisions.
we have to let him go if that's what he wants. that doesn't mean we have to love him any less for it.
no subject
Date: 2023-09-08 01:06 am (UTC)And then I think of you and your door opens for me without question, bringing me in from the cold. I think of you and there’s a fireplace that warms me up from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. The warm air smells like you, stealing away the frost at my breath. I fall into your cozy blankets and you cover me up and hold me close.
And then I wake up and spend another day missing you. But I’m happy.
That’s how.
I know, without words, that he’ll spend his life missing you if he goes. And you would miss him, too.
Of course, we’ll love him all the same. But I think he would like it if we could be angry, too.
no subject
Date: 2023-09-08 05:24 am (UTC)Your words are always so much prettier than mine, I'm a little envious. But I want to hear you say them when your throat feels better.
You should drink something hot.
Why would he want me to be angry?
no subject
Date: 2023-09-08 05:55 am (UTC)[ though it’s not a contest. they swallow, painfully, at the mention of envy.
“i prefer (you) to (me).”
despite what they supposedly had that mithrun didn’t, it still wasn’t enough to matter. ]
I can be pretty for you, but I could never love myself the way you love me.
[ never. it’s kind of jarring to realize they don’t really feel much for themself at all. ]
My throat isn’t so bad. I’ll say anything you want. I don’t want to wait anymore.
I don’t really understand it either, but… it felt like… he needs that anger to validate his feelings. About himself.
no subject
Date: 2023-09-08 06:03 am (UTC)I can log in.
I don't think he likes himself very much. I don't know how to show him he's more than an ashtray, I thought I was but
no subject
Date: 2023-09-08 12:31 pm (UTC)hani blinks down at their phone. that… makes sense, but why hadn’t they ever considered it before? they knew that in a way already, they guess, from the way he deflects compliments. but it’s never occurred to them to summarize it like this: that justy doesn’t love himself… he had let go of his past self. hani wonders if he would let go of his current self, too, if he could.
would mithrun do both if he could? probably. give up everything to become… hollowed out? maybe, so that he didn’t have to keep disliking himself; so that he didn’t have to strain himself to like anything, to want anything like a starving creature.
and hani, who doesn’t give themself much thought, would never think to do either. ]
Then that’s more for me to cover and love, and I would do it gladly. That’s what I’ll be made for.
Yes. Please.
[ they’ll marinate about mithrun for a bit and respond to that once they’re logged in. justy will give them time, he’ll wait. ]
no subject
Date: 2023-09-08 12:51 pm (UTC)Will it make you happy? You're so smart I think you could do whatever you want with your life. Well, with me there too, of course.
Already logging in~☆